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alphalogs2016-10-23 12:15 pm
Daycycle 113 [ October 23 - October 29 ]
daycycle 113
[Oct 23 - Oct 29]
[OOC Plotting for this Dacycle can be found here.]
[Specials can see a Specials Supporters Anonymous chat leaked onto the network in the wee small hours of the morning, here.]
Early Morning [0800 - 0900] — All Troubleshooters Report for Duty
Allison Argent and Peggy Carter, have been selected for today’s mission. Details are below:
‘There have been multiple reports of sightings of unregistered mutants near the south sewer entrance. Go investigate with caution.’
Please debrief the computer on the status of your mission by the end of the Daycycle here.
Morning & Afternoon [0900 - 1600] — Service Firm Positions
All Troubleshooters not assigned a mission should report to their Service Firm for their daily duties, unless specifically assigned a different shift.
Evening [1600 - 2200] — Citizen Improvement
All Alpha citizens are encouraged to better themselves through Alpha’s wide variety of educational, entertainment and cultural opportunities offered each evening. Attending these sanctioned events are not mandatory, but is highly encouraged by The Computer. Citizens choosing not to take advantage of these opportunities, have a growing number of other options available to them in how to spend their hard earned credits and free time.
Tonight’s event will be at 2000 in Warehouse 97 in the R&D Sector and will be hosted by the Alpha Fight Club. Martial Arts and Boxing are skills all Alpha Citizens should have. Join us as we demonstrate how to get started and how to fight properly.
Alpha Curfew Restrictions
All Alpha citizens should be in their quarters within the Wagon Wheel by 2200, unless they’ve been given permission from a GREEN or higher clearance level citizen. Sleeping Aid gas is dispelled each night in the Wagon Wheel at 2200 to assist citizens in getting a productive sleeping period.
Confession Booths
There are hundreds of confession booths available around Alpha Complex if a citizen would like to communicate directly with the computer. Please use these confession booths to report mission statuses, report treason or terrorist acts, unregistered mutants, confess your trespasses against Alpha Complex, request propaganda or speak with Your Friend, The Computer, at any time.
All Day | Open
That hadn't been her. In either case, it hadn't been her. Maybe, under other life circumstances, she would have easily sung as much as she had. When Katniss had been five and much more innocent to all the tragedies life had to offer, she had eagerly sung whenever provided the chance. That girl had disappeared the second Katniss had actually comprehended what was happening in the 65th Hunger Games. And understood clearly why they occurred.
Someone had done something to her. She's seen the effects alcohol could have on Haymitch and the effects morphling had at dulling the pain of those addicted. It stands to reason that some kind of drug had been affecting her too.
So Katniss avoids the cafeteria, spending mealtime wandering around the hallways and keeping to herself. She isn't moping like she had her first few days in Alpha Complex but most strangers that tend to look her way are greeted with a scowl. In fact, Katniss does her best to avoid most social encounters all together. She doesn't want to be reminded of how lose she had been with her kisses. She doesn't want to be reminded of any of her behavior the previous two days.
Some people are easier to avoid than others. She goes to work and keeps as busy as possible with clients. She makes certain not to be anywhere near the cafeterias when people go in and out. And when evening comes, she finds herself hiding at one of the firing ranges, shooting arrow after arrow at a target. By then, she's at least acquiesced to drinking water. But her stomach grumbles loudly. It's okay, she can handle it. Hollow Days were a large part of her childhood after all.
Or so those damned glitched memories say.
lunch-ish
"Hey," Buffy says in greeting as she falls into step beside Katniss.
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So while she doesn't scowl at Buffy, Katniss doesn't say anything in greeting. She nods her acknowledgement as she continues to walk. But her pace doesn't change. Katniss doesn't mind the company as much as she may pretend to.
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Buffy is well accustomed to taciturn people. She's learned that sometimes they're the best people to talk to when you're a chatty kathy the way that Buffy is. In any case, the fact that Katniss doesn't say anything doesn't deter Buffy. In addition, she remembers Katniss' first day here and she wants to check up on her, make sure she's doing okay.
"Did you handle yesterday okay? Or were you not hit at all?" To sort of put Katniss at ease, Buffy confesses. "I got hit. Hard. I think it was the coffee. At least, that's the rumor. Though, I still haven't figured out the why."
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Having any advice to offer in return is a different matter. Or finding the desire to answer questions. She thinks back to the previous day and all the embarrassing things she had done. Things worse than singing or dancing everywhere.
Katniss nods. "Yeah. Me too."
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She doesn't really need advice, though she would like answers. It's not going to stop her from rambling though.
Buffy's brows go up a little at that. "Yeah, Derek told me that he made out with you." Her eyes go wide when she realizes what she said. "We were talking last night. About what we'd done. He didn't give me details, just told me what he'd done when I asked. It's not a big deal that he kissed you or that you kissed him. Or whatever, you know? I had sex with Alcide in the hallway while a camera watched so no kettles or pots or sauce pans calling anyone black."
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She doesn't do that kind of thing. She doesn't just kiss boys she doesn't know, let alone get as wrapped up in Derek as she had. Her cheeks flush instantly and she freezes in her footsteps. Katniss hasn't been able to forget that kiss though she really, really wants to. At least she didn't do that, do what Buffy said she did in the hallway. She takes a deep breath. And another.
Then, finally, she quietly asks: "Is he angry?"
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Buffy can't say that she doesn't do those things, but she doesn't do them very often. She does tend to make bad relationship decisions. She always has. It was probably a good kiss if she hasn't been able to forget it. Buffy can't forget the hallway either. She's trying though.
"I'm going to assume you mean Derek, and no. I don't think so. He didn't seem angry. If you mean Alcide, I don't know. We're currently avoiding each other."
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So she can't exactly blame Buffy for having the same problem. Even if it is really tempting. Because Buffy's right; the kiss had been a good kiss. And that's the biggest problem, isn't it?
"That sounds smart," she mutters, not quite looking at Buffy while she talks. "I work with Derek."
Avoiding him won't be as easy as she wants it to be.
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She's just far too shy and modest to start blurting things out the way Buffy does. Most of the time, she doesn't regret her decisions and sticking her foot in her mouth has no adverse affects other than embarrassment. She'll likely never learn to filter herself and she's not terribly interested in trying.
Indeed it is. Considering Buffy has a boyfriend 'back home', it's quite the problem.
She nods a little, aware of that. "Yeah. I work with Alcide and he's my room mate so I'm not going to be able to avoid him for long." She tilts her head a little at Katniss. "He's a good guy, Derek. He's probably my best friend here so be nice to him. He deserves it."
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That doesn't mean she's looking for anyone here. Not Derek, not anyone. But at least her situation isn't like Buffy's. From the sound of it, her problem just keeps getting worse and worse. The more Buffy talks, the more she grimaces.
And then scowls as soon as she warns her to be nice to Derek. "I know that." He's been far too nice to her. "Best thing he can do is stay away from me."
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That grimace isn't unnoticed, but it doesn't stop Buffy from saying what she feels she needs to.
Katniss's response gets a sharp look out of Buffy. "Why?" The word is alarmed and worried.
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"Cause." Cause she's a bad person. Cause she gets people killed. Or tortured. Or kills them herself. Cause in all honesty, she's not someone worth knowing. And if Buffy is so concerned about protecting her friend, the best thing she can do is convince Derek not to help Katniss. But that's a lot to say and she doesn't know where to begin. "Cause I'm the one that kissed him," she finishes lamely. "I shouldn't have done that."
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Late afternoon
He's been watching Katniss on and off all day. She's keeping herself plenty busy and it's not like he doesn't have things on his plate, as well, but he can't help noticing that she's avoiding him. He also can't help feeling a little hurt by that. She doesn't owe him anything and he doesn't think she does, but at the same time...he meant it when he'd said he wanted to revisit the conversation with her when they were both feeling more themselves. The fact that she's avoiding him like the plague isn't lost on him and he has a feeling that unless he approaches her, the conversation will never happen.
Maybe it shouldn't happen, because maybe he should not be thinking about how nice it felt to hold somebody for a minute, again, or how nice it was to feel wanted again. He probably shouldn't since he's getting the message loud and clear that she regrets it and she doesn't want anything to do with him. So, he decides, he'll initiate the conversation just to clear the air and let her off the hook. That way, maybe she won't feel so shitty about it and maybe he'll feel better, too. He doubts it, but it's worth a shot.
Derek abandons his post when his line finally lets up and he moves to hers, hovering a few feet away from her off to the side while she finishes up with one of her clients. And, once the client goes on his way, Derek clears his throat a little. "...hey."
Right, he needs to not leave it at hey because that forces her to be the initiator. So Derek goes on. "Listen, about yesterday...I can just pretend that didn't happen, you know? If you want. It's fine. But we have to work together and Specials should have each other's backs, so if it's easier, you know, for you then...we can just pretend it didn't happen."
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But it hadn't been her. Derek had been right in saying they hadn't been themselves. She had been some other girl. A girl that she'll never be if she manages to avoid any other drugged foods. She doesn't want to subject Derek to the girl she really is. That girl is only good at hurting other people; exactly as she's doing now.
Every now and then, when she thinks Derek's too preoccupied to look in her direction, she glances in his. He doesn't look all that happy and it's easy to imagine that she's probably the result. Who'd want to be kissed by her to begin with? He's probably angry at her and Katniss wouldn't blame him one bit. She'd be furious if someone randomly kissed her, too. That Derek doesn't approach her for most of the day isn't that much of a surprise to her. He's probably changed his mind about wanting to talk. She doesn't blame him. Katniss wouldn't want to talk to her either.
The odds never exactly stay in her favor though. They make it through most of the day without talking but towards the end of their shift, as she finishes up with her last client, Derek approaches. Her face pales as he approaches but as tempting as it is to run, Katniss stays put.
He speaks and speaks and though Katniss knows she should say something in return, the words escape her. She's not good at this. She's not good at talking or emotions or figuring out anything about yesterday aside from how mortified she is. Her sister died - her sister died in a rebellion Katniss helped to cause - and she had spent her day kissing other boys and dancing. What kind of person is she? Why should anyone be this kind to her?
She swallows hard and shakes her head. "You're right. You're better off not knowing me."
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This is a disturbing pattern, he thinks to himself. The worst kind of women are drawn to him when he's not looking, but the women who probably would be good to and for him — like Felicity, like Katniss; like Braeden — seem to realize belatedly that he's a mistake and they back away before it's too late and they get in too deep. They put the blame on themselves, but they back away all the same. He's really not sure why he's surprised this time, but he still manages to be.
She wants to back away, of course she does. That's fine, he tells himself. That's fine because the Alpha Complex is no place to start a relationship of that nature and she's honestly doing them both a favor, isn't she? Still, they work together. He can push her out of his mind in a few days like he mostly has Felicity, but they need to watch out for one another at work. Derek can separate the obligation from a friendship if that's what Katniss wants.
"Well, I already know you a little, so that's not really an option, but we can leave it as it is," he compromises. "Just co-workers. I can do that, if that's what you want. I just...you know, wanted to clear the air and find out where we stood and make sure we were on the same page so…" he shrugs. She's doing herself a bigger favor than she's doing him, he reminds himself. He really is a mess.
Derek clears his throat. "No hard feelings for my behavior, I hope. I wasn't really myself." He's talking about his kiss because she might've initiated it, but he took it and ran. That was probably unwelcome, in retrospect. This is his awkward attempt to apologize so that they can salvage at least a civil relationship while they're working in this service firm together.
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That's what she should say to him. If she says these things, he might not feel so guilty. He might realize that he did absolutely nothing wrong. This is all her fault. Her fault for letting herself get drugged. Her fault for insisting he dance. Her fault for kissing him. It's all her fault.
It's not that the Alpha Complex is no place to start that kind of relationship. It's not that she sees him as anyone bad. It's all about doing what's right for him. And anything involving Katniss, even friendship, isn't good for anything. She'll only hurt him worse.
He's saying the right things, acknowledging that they can leave things as they already exist between them. Not build anything more between them. They can remain co-workers and not form any kind of bond. That sounds safe. Smart. But there are things that he says and the way that he says them that leave her confused. Her eyes narrow. "Why do you want to know what I want?"
What does he want?
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It doesn't make sense to him why Katniss is. It's just a reminder that he doesn't know her at all. Maybe that's his own fault, maybe it's hers, or maybe it just is what it is.
So when he answers, he looks as confused as he feels, head turning just slightly and eyebrows lifted. "...because I'm not a shitbag?" he asks more than answers. "Because I'd like to respect your wishes, because that's the kind of thing normal people do when they're in their right minds to do it, so...if you want me to fuck off, then I'll fuck off. If you want to be friends, then we'll be friends. Or we'll get there, anyway. I'm not trying to make this workplace more awkward an environment than it already is, so just...tell me what you want and we'll do that."
Because telling her what he wants will only make things worse because he shouldn't want it and he knows that.
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Why should anyone trust her? Or think that she deserves anything decent in her life? Because she doesn't. If these glitches are real, she deserves them. She deserves the pain. And the last thing she deserves is anything good or kind.
His language is a little confusing but Katniss gets the gist of what he's trying to say. But that's not nearly as puzzling as the confused look that colors his face. As if he's surprised she's asking this. Why? He's the one that brought up the question of what she'd want in the first place. Of course she should question that. And question the fact he hasn't spelled out what he wants. Because very few people do anything out of the goodness of their heart.
She frowns as she stares at him, still confused but also looking stubborn and a little annoyed. Katniss doesn't appreciate being put on the spot like this. She also doesn't like how one-sided this all seems to be. Her brows knit together as she studies him. A second later, she asks, "What do you want?"
Because this whole awkwardness that now exists between them is her fault. She shouldn't get an easy way out of it. She doesn't deserve that.
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Shaking his head, he looks back up at Katniss and gives a little sigh. "I don't know," he lies. "I don't want this," he says gesturing between the two of them with a lazy hand as it falls away from the back of his neck. "I don't want this awkward, whatever this is. I know that much."
He's not entirely willing to share his thoughts on the matter, because she's like a whole other person right now than the Katniss he knows. He's only known her on the drugs and this her is like a skittish animal he has no intention of scaring off if he can avoid it. Derek has no idea how to proceed because he hadn't even really known the drugged Katniss that well, but this one is a whole other person and he has no frame of reference.
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Though he looks a little frustrated at having to answer the question, he does so anyway Not that his answer is all that helpful. She nearly scowls out of habit but somehow manages to restrain herself. Mostly because she's remembering how hurt he looked yesterday and how she thinks she might see echoes of that right now. He doesn't deserve to see the very worst she has to offer.
Katniss takes a deep breath. There are some things that she hasn't admitted to anyone yet. Things she doesn't want to admit because then it makes them all the more real. But she's broken her silence. As much as she wants to, refusing to speak might not be an option anymore. "I'm not a good person," she says, biting on her lip as not to cry at the memories. "I get people killed. Or I kill them. My si- my sister's dead if those glitches are real and..."
And she doesn't want those glitches to be real. She doesn't want to remember anything. Any of yesterday or the day before or that life she might have lived in Panem. She squeezes her eyes shut for a few seconds as she tries to steady herself. "You're better off not wanting anything from me. Everyone here is."
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For a long moment, he's quiet, trying to decide whether he ought to share his parallel or whether that's just going to make her feel worse for gravitating toward someone with the traits she hates about herself. Then, he realizes she hasn't. She hasn't gravitated toward him. Her drugged self had some interest in his drugged self and while he was a lot closer to the real Derek than she was the real Katniss, he still hadn't been himself.
"Those are all really, really awful things for us to have in common, Katniss, and I'm sorry," he says finally, sincerity laced into his words because how can they not be? He knows the feeling of wishing that the glitches weren't real. He held onto the belief that the glitches were just glitches so hard until Buffy chipped away at it and Stiles straight up shattered it to pieces. If there's one thing he understands, it's wishing they were real. "But you know what? Maybe it's not the worst thing in the world to have someone to share it with who gets that. I wanted the glitches to be glitches so bad...I still wish they were. So I get it."
He pauses then and takes a deep breath. "When I was—" he falters, having to make a conscious decision not to say about your age because that just makes him feel dirty considering the fact that he can't stop thinking about this girl and the kiss they shared, "— a teenager, I fell in love with a woman who was a lot older than me. Not a lot a lot, but old enough that it would've raised eyebrows. I thought she loved me, too. I made a mistake. I told her things I shouldn't ever have told her about my life; my family. She used those things against me. Against all of us. That was just the start of the downward spiral. My family is dead and that's my fault. It will always be my fault. And I can't change it or take it back and now I can't even pretend it isn't real anymore because I can't force myself into that much denial after running into other Specials here who were in my glitches...who remember me, too, and the same things I remember us experiencing together."
Sighing softly and, probably against his better judgement, he reaches a hand to push her hair behind her ear and looks her in the eye. "It took me a long, long time to realize that I made shitty decisions and I did some terrible things, but that doesn't make me a bad person. I don't believe that you're a bad person, Katniss, I really don't. I don't know you that well," he admits, his hand falling away, "but if the girl I did get to know a little exists anywhere inside you, even under the depths of darkness that come from being dealt a really shitty hand in life and losing the people you care about, then you're not a bad person. You just fucked up and other people paid the price. That doesn't define you, it's just a thing or things that happened and they suck, I'm not trying to say they don't or write them off as no big deal, because they very much are, but they don't define you. They just happened.
"You're not a bad person. I've known bad people. A bad person wouldn't feel guilt. They'd feel accomplished, if they felt anything at all. The fact that you're upset speaks volumes about your character, don't sell that short."
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But no matter how much she glowers at him, Derek's expression doesn't change. Katniss is completely clueless of the parallels. He hadn't been as serious yesterday as he had been the day before but none of the brief interactions they've had are enough for Katniss to be aware of Derek's past. She wouldn't wish her life, let alone the tragedies, on anyone. It's better that she's unique in this matter.
Apparently she isn't.
His words hurt. They hurt like the burns that supposedly scarred her body rather than steal her life the way they had her sister's. They hurt because they're true. Once again, Derek's telling her the truth. He's not lying to her. He wanted the glitches to be lies as much as she still does. His family is as dead as hers. Most of that is his fault. It's eerily similar and for a few seconds there, Katniss feels like she can't breathe. The tears threaten and she wants to pretend this is all not real. That he is lying to her. Even if he isn't.
She doesn't fight him when he places a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Katniss wants to look away but it's hard. She really wants to look away when he tells her that she isn't a bad person because that's really hard to believe. She is a bad person. Good people don't kill other children. Good people don't get their homes burned down. Good people aren't her. The nightmares prove that. They remind her of all her wrongdoings as much as the glitched memories do during the day. There's no escape.
Swallowing hard, Katniss shakes her head in disagreement. She can't speak aloud; she's too choked up to talk. Tears threaten to fall. This isn't want she wants to hear. She shakes her head again and scowls. She's being weak and it's likely it'll come back to haunt her. But she can't forget the way her sister's body became a human torch. Every time she closes her eyes, she sees that. Punching Derek won't make her feel better but she tries anyway. It's a half-hearted shove that doesn't do anything to keep the tears from falling. They start seconds later.
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She pushes him and Derek stands his ground, waiting for subsequent pushes. Waiting to be hit or kicked or both or whatever it is that helps someone like Katniss deal with information she doesn't want. Derek throws things. Screams sometimes, or howls. He doesn't know Katniss well enough to know what she needs.
But when all he gets is that one, half-hearted push before Katniss starts to cry, Derek's face is pained for her. He steps forward then to close the space between them and he pulls her into a hug, because even though he imagines she'll try to pull away at first, this is a girl that asked him not to stop dancing because she liked how it felt. That girl is still in there somewhere and if the broken iteration of her in front of him, in his arms gives in, he has a feeling she needs the comfort right now.
"Hey, we're going to lunch," he calls over his shoulder. "Katniss, let's just...come on. Come on, I've got you. Come on," he says softly, starting to lead them away from their stations so she can be upset and cry in peace.
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She's given up again. If the glitches are real then she really doesn't have anything to live for. Her sister is still dead. And she's stuck... she's stuck where? In another game? In something worse? What's the point of being brave or tough here if the last thing Katniss wants is to survive.
Three's no protest when Derek pulls her into a hug. She continues to stand there limply for a few seconds more before she finally closes her eyes and buries he head against his chest. Derek isn't Peeta. He isn't Gale. But he's the best she has to hold her right now and Katniss needs that. He had danced with her, hadn't he? Even kissed her like he might actually care.
She doesn't want to move. She wants to stay here and just keep hiding from the world. But Derek seems insistent that they leave. She frowns as she has to move to his side. "I'm not hungry."
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