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Daycycle 113 [ October 23 - October 29 ]

daycycle 113

[Oct 23 - Oct 29]

[OOC Plotting for this Dacycle can be found here.]

[Specials can see a Specials Supporters Anonymous chat leaked onto the network in the wee small hours of the morning, here.]

Early Morning [0800 - 0900] — All Troubleshooters Report for Duty

Allison Argent and Peggy Carter, have been selected for today’s mission. Details are below:

‘There have been multiple reports of sightings of unregistered mutants near the south sewer entrance. Go investigate with caution.’

Please debrief the computer on the status of your mission by the end of the Daycycle here.

Morning & Afternoon [0900 - 1600] — Service Firm Positions
All Troubleshooters not assigned a mission should report to their Service Firm for their daily duties, unless specifically assigned a different shift.

Evening [1600 - 2200] — Citizen Improvement
All Alpha citizens are encouraged to better themselves through Alpha’s wide variety of educational, entertainment and cultural opportunities offered each evening. Attending these sanctioned events are not mandatory, but is highly encouraged by The Computer. Citizens choosing not to take advantage of these opportunities, have a growing number of other options available to them in how to spend their hard earned credits and free time.

Tonight’s event will be at 2000 in Warehouse 97 in the R&D Sector and will be hosted by the Alpha Fight Club. Martial Arts and Boxing are skills all Alpha Citizens should have. Join us as we demonstrate how to get started and how to fight properly.

Alpha Curfew Restrictions
All Alpha citizens should be in their quarters within the Wagon Wheel by 2200, unless they’ve been given permission from a GREEN or higher clearance level citizen. Sleeping Aid gas is dispelled each night in the Wagon Wheel at 2200 to assist citizens in getting a productive sleeping period.

Confession Booths
There are hundreds of confession booths available around Alpha Complex if a citizen would like to communicate directly with the computer. Please use these confession booths to report mission statuses, report treason or terrorist acts, unregistered mutants, confess your trespasses against Alpha Complex, request propaganda or speak with Your Friend, The Computer, at any time.

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It's silly. It's silly but somehow that weak smile and his agreement with her statement makes Katniss smile weakly in concern. Given everything she knows in her glitches, she shouldn't be forming this kind of connection with anyone. It's not safe for them. It's not safe for her. The people that she cares for only manage to get hurt. But it's good to have someone that really understands. It's really good.

Though she wants to forget everything that had happened yesterday, she remembers the dance and the kiss. It's hard not to, especially with Derek sitting so close. The kiss had been heated and made her hungry for something she had only wanted once before. Meanwhile, dancing had made her feel safe. Much like she feels now. It's for Derek's sake that she should stop herself from feeling like this. Yet with every answer he gives, she feels safer.

"The gas doesn't help," she admits, frowning a little. Every nightmare comes vividly. She does her best not to scream in the night, not wanting to take the chance that she might waken her roommates. Not for their sake but her own; she doesn't want to be questioned in the morning. "They come anyway."

The fact that she seems to visibly relax, even if just the slightest bit, makes Derek relax a little bit, too. Sharing one's pain is never an easy thing to do and he doubts that Katniss did it for the purpose of sharing so much as he thinks she did it in an effort to get him to back off. Instead, she's only drawn him in further because now he knows that she understands the pain he feels every minute of every day and now she knows that he understands her. She's not alone anymore. They're not alone anymore.

Derek looks appropriately sympathetic to her when she says that the gas doesn't help. Given the fact that he seldom allows the gas to put him to sleep anymore, it doesn't help him anymore, either, technically. But for it to never be an option, that breaks his heart for her and he wonders if her wounds are still fresh. Derek's had over a decade, now, to deal with the loss of the family who died in the fire and a couple of years to grapple with the loss of Laura. The pain doesn't go away and it never really fades, either, but it becomes easier to function around it with time. He wonders if Katniss just hasn't had that time to help her, yet.

"I wish I could tell you that they'll go away eventually, but mine never did. I don't think they ever will...there are just some things you can't ever unsee," he sighs. Then he pauses. "...do any of your roommates know? About the nightmares?" he asks. Because maybe if she's got some sort of bond with any of them, they'd be willing to wake her up if they hear it; there are signs of nightmares that others can see and hear. It sucks to have interrupted sleep, but it sucks more to have restless sleep, if you ask Derek.

His assumptions aren't far from the truth. Katniss hasn't really opened up to anyone here. There's pain in her life that she doesn't want to share even if she can almost here Dr. Aurelius telling her she should talk to others. She had opened up to Derek initially to push him away. Because he had shown an interest in her others hadn't. But that had been initially. Something's changed between work and the sleeping quarters. Though she still thinks it's safest to push Derek away, it's not the reason why she's still talking.

Her wounds are extremely fresh. Only a handful of days had passed between Katniss being released from the hospital (and subsequently free of the morphling that had kept her numb) and finding herself here. Her body should be covered with healing scars and burns but it's not. The Computer may have given her that, but it hadn't taken away the horrible memories that accompanied the physical scars. She's not dumb enough to think that the pain will ever completely go away. She wants it to though.

"There are some things you can't ever forget," she agrees. It would be better if the glitches were just meant to teach her that. If Derek's right though, she isn't that lucky. Frowning, Katniss shakes her head. As far as she knows none of her roommates have woken from her nightmares. She'd rather keep it that way. "I don't plan to tell them either."

Derek nods to acknowledge what she's saying and pauses for a moment. Katniss is so closed off and it reminds him so much of himself, he's almost certain that any advice he can give her would be like giving said advice to a brick wall and, worse, he knows that she'd feel completely justified. When a person is in that much pain and they don't trust anyone enough to share it, it's hard to offer any wisdom to them that won't be immediately rejected. Derek knows, because he's been in her shoes. He's still trying to shake those shoes off, some days.

Taking a deep breath, he lets it out in a soft huff. "I was wondering if there were any of them that you trusted enough to ask that they wake you up if they notice any of the signs of restless sleep.." he starts, but he trails it off there, because she seems like a smart girl and he figures she can put the rest together on her own.

He gives her a sympathetic frown. "It's too bad we're not assigned the same room. I could do that for you if we were, since you've already told me, and nobody else would have to know."

He knows better than anyone else she's encountered so far and Katniss is still trying to figure out if this is a good thing or not. It's a relief and it's comforting but in her experience, that's not necessarily a good thing. It could lead to false security. Or to something far worse all together, something like attachment. Derek has to sense the same if he understands this much. And yet, he hasn't done anything to try and push her away yet.

That's what Derek should do. He should push her away. But hadn't he said earlier that he couldn't pretend yesterday didn't happen? Hadn't he been unable to answer her soundly when she had asked how he wanted to proceed, given nothing (that she's yet discovered) could wipe the memories from their minds?

It's confusing. He's confusing. And then he trails off and she's remembering another boy in another place and how having his arms around her had helped when nothing else could. It had helped when not even her sister's comfort could tame the nightmares. That boy isn't here. Worse, it's very likely that she had already lost that boy forever - prior to ever even arriving in Alpha Complex. President Snow had made Peeta revile her. He had a few moments of clarity, a few moments when he had been the boy with the bread that Katniss had remembered, as they had raced from death in the Capitol. There's no guarantee those moments would have lasted.

She doesn't answer Derek aloud this time. Instead she takes a deep breath, closing her eyes and doing her best not to let new tears fall. The memories she's been trying to forget are returning at an alarmingly fast and painful rate. She's bound to have fresh nightmares tonight and no one to comfort her because the only person she might stupidly trust is in another room. Katniss doesn't think. She closes the distance between herself and Derek, resting her head on his chest and wrapping her arms around his waist. It's dangerous being this close, but it helps more than she cares to admit.

For a moment, Derek's not really sure whether Katniss is even still with him in the moment or whether he's lost her to her thoughts. He's been guilty of that sort of thing now and again, so it wouldn't surprise him. He's quiet, letting her think and consider. Interrupting that is probably not a great idea for a lot of reasons, because he doesn't know what she's thinking about and there's no telling whether she needs to be lost in thought before responding.

Except that she doesn't respond at all. Instead, she moves, leaning into him and wrapping her arms around his waist; hugging him. Derek sighs softly, frowning with empathy and he envelopes her in his arms as well to hug her back. If that's what she needs, he's more than happy to give it to her. God knows, there were a million times in the past when Derek thought something as simple as a hug might have helped pull him out of a dark place, but there hadn't ever been anyone there to give it after Laura died. There's no reason to make Katniss suffer that emptiness if he's sitting right here and she's reaching out.

Derek reaches up to stroke her hair, smoothing it against her head with one hand before tilting his head down to draw her head beneath his chin. It's impossible to ignore the fact that, even though he knows that she's only doing this because she needs someone and he just happens to be right there and marginally trustworthy, he selfishly and guiltily kind of enjoys being this close to her again. He just wishes it was for a less awful reason.

"I know that talking can either help or make things feel worse, but if you're one of the people that it helps...you can always talk to me, Katniss. I know how this all feels. I wish I didn't, but I do, so...if you need to get it off your chest and want to talk to someone who understands, I'm here. Okay?"

This is a mistake. By now Katniss should know better. She should know better about trusting anyone, let alone forming any kind of connection. It's a mistake that she's made again and again, letting others in only to eventually lose them. Now that she's feeling herself again and not that gleeful girl who had been willing to talk and dance with anyone she encountered, she's more aware of the terrible reality that accompanies befriending others. She knows how stupid it can be.

But she hugs Derek anyway. It's not the same as being held in the middle of the night but it still helps. He's the only one who she's really trusted with her past. He knows why she needs this hug so badly. He understands. Derek doesn't push, not physically or emotionally. That's appreciated to. Everything that he's said and done today will ultimately go a long way in helping Katniss heal. Not that she realizes that right now.

Right now, Katniss just wants to be selfish. She wants to be selfish and seek strength in someone else. Derek doesn't seem to mind given the way he starts to stroke her hair and tucks her head underneath his chin. He's good at this. Hugging and holding and providing comfort. Maybe she should mention that to him. Eventually.

Talking doesn't make her feel better. Remembering doesn't either. Dr. Aurelius really hadn't accomplished all that much in District 13 or the couple of days she had actually seen him before coming here. He never seemed to expect her to talk and would usually use the time to get other things done. Derek's stressing talking, not as a doctor but as someone who's been in shoes similar to her own, but Katniss is stubborn. She still doesn't want to talk.

So instead, she nods her head against his chest. She understands that he'll be there in the future but he's here now. And though they probably should get back to work, she's in no hurry to return.

He hadn't really expected her to agree to talk, but the nod of acknowledgement is enough for Derek. It lets him know that she heard and understands that the option is there if she ever wants or needs it. That's as far as Derek is willing to push, because he knows how hard it is to open up. ...he still hasn't. It's been over a decade and he still hasn't told anyone who hasn't already been a witness to the string of bodies he leaves in his wake when he cares about people. Isaac, ironically, got off easy and the irony in that is that Derek had to damage their bond by breaking the kid down emotionally; treating him the same way his abusive father had treated him before the kanima killed him Derek had taken Isaac in. To date, Katniss is the only person who knows that the fire was Derek's fault, but even then, all she knows is that he trusted the wrong person. She doesn't know to what degree and he's not sure he'll ever share it.

So he's not going to be a hypocrite and force the information out of her. He only wants it if she wants to share it, anyway. "Okay, as long as you know that, that's all I want."

He should get her back to work, he knows that, but Derek can't bring himself to separate from her when he has a feeling that she's been aching for this kind of comfort from someone — anyone — for a while and she either hasn't had access or she's been refusing to let herself indulge. She's clinging, which is pretty contradictory to the girl who physically pushed him away not half an hour ago. That, in and of itself, is an indicator that his assumptions are probably not too far off.

"Are you gonna be okay?" he asks softly, the monotonous movement of his hand over her hair continuing in an attempt to soothe her and help her calm down and relax.

She'd probably blush if she knew that he had trusted her with a secret that he hasn't told anyone else. Blush and mumble that she really isn't all that worthy of his trust. It's not that Katniss isn't trustworthy; she tends to be extremely loyal to friends and family. But her self-worth needs some serious work. She doesn't think all that highly of herself on the best of days. On the worst of them, days like today, it's practically non-existent. She doesn't know if that's something Derek would understand too but by she wants to think so. He's proven to understand so much already.

Lunch breaks only last so long and there's the fact that Katniss technically took one earlier. A lunch of water isn't much but it had helped ease the hunger a little. Sooner or later, someone's going to wonder where she is. Where they are. But there's something about Derek that makes her feel safe. Katniss doesn't want to leave that. Not now. Possibly not ever.

She takes a deep breath when he asks if she's going to be okay. Despite that desire to stay safely hidden against Derek's chest, Katniss pulls away enough to be able to look up at him. Her lips quirk a little to the side, the look on her face sad and knowing. "Do I have a choice?"

Katniss has to be okay. No one else will be okay for her.

When she finally looks up at him, Derek's expression settles into a sad smile and he shrugs a little. That question merited asking, he'll give her that.

"That depends on how you look at it," he replies. He realizes a few seconds too late that she's pulled back, but his fingers are still in her hair. Inappropriate, he tells himself, and takes his hand back as casually as he can manage.

The thing about this place is that the Specials are expected to behave like regular Alphas when they aren't regular Alphas. Katniss technically has choices, they just don't really happen to be good ones. "You have to pretend to be okay," he agrees with the implication her question laid out. "But you don't have to actually be okay. I'm not, not after realizing that the safety of the thought that my memories weren't real was a lie I was telling myself. I'm never okay, Katniss. I've just spent the better part of a decade pretending to be and I'm really good at it by now. So you don't have to be okay. You just have to learn to fake it. You'll get there."

With that, Derek sighs and looks toward his bedroom door. "We should go back…" he admits, frowning.

It's impossible to completely ignore the feel of his fingers tangled in her braid. His hand had been comforting. It's still comforting to have it there, even if he should probably move his hand from her head. Though he tries to be casual about moving his hand away, it's absence doesn't go unnoticed either. She doesn't think he's doing anything inappropriate. Or has been for that matter. The inappropriate actions that had occurred between them, the ones that had happened yesterday, those are her fault. Not his. He hasn't done anything wrong by her.

She's starting to wonder if he really is this good a person. His words have said otherwise, that he's guilty for as many horrible things as she is. His actions say more to her. The way he seems to take care of her even though he doesn't owe her anything speaks volumes to Katniss. It's going to take a lot to be able to pay him back some day.

"I don't pretend well," she grumbles, a hint of the sullen girl returning in her words and on her face. It would have been better for everyone if she could pretend well. Katniss can't change who she is, no matter how much she tries. Still frowning, she looks towards the door. He's probably right about going back. "No matter how hard I try."

Taking a deep breath, Derek nods. Yeah, he knows the feeling. He'd never been very good at pretending when he was a teenager, either. It was too fresh and, worse, he had the pain of his loss competing with the whole growing up thing. Derek imagines Katniss to be having similar struggles.

He reaches for her hand and gives it a little squeeze, one which he hopes is at least a little bit reassuring, before letting go again. "It'll come with time. I think you're entitled to a couple of years of sucking at pretending, Katniss."

He can tell by the way she's looking that she agrees they should go back, but also agrees that she doesn't necessarily want to. Once again, the task of being the bad guy and ending a good thing to return to work falls on Derek's shoulders. That's all right, he supposes. He's a little bit used to that sort of role, too. He sighs a little and gets to his feet, holding a hand out to her. "Come on, before we end up getting arrested for treason for bailing. We gotta get back, as much as I hate to say it."

It doesn't matter how old Katniss gets; lying will never come naturally. Everyone around her had seen it when they had attempted to film that first propos and she had failed miserably. Everyone had seen how awful she was at pretending when she tried to convince everyone that she and Peeta were madly in love. She can't even lie to herself. This is something that Katniss knows will never get better with time. Nice of Derek to think otherwise.

She shrugs in response to that comment, not bothering to correct him. He's trying to be comforting and up until now, Derek had been doing a good job. She doesn't want him to think that she doesn't appreciate what he's done because that's not it at all. It would have been easy for Derek to ignore Katniss. That's what most people would've done rather than try to get involved and make a difference. Does he realize how unique this makes him?

Probably not. If he really is like her, Katniss wouldn't be thinking much of herself either. Because of that, she takes his hand and stands. She gives it a small squeeze of gratitude. He's not being a bad guy. He's being responsible. If he leads the way again, she'll follow.

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Daycycle 113 [ October 23 - October 29 ]

daycycle 113

[Oct 23 - Oct 29]

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