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Daycycle 113 [ October 23 - October 29 ]

daycycle 113

[Oct 23 - Oct 29]

[OOC Plotting for this Dacycle can be found here.]

[Specials can see a Specials Supporters Anonymous chat leaked onto the network in the wee small hours of the morning, here.]

Early Morning [0800 - 0900] — All Troubleshooters Report for Duty

Allison Argent and Peggy Carter, have been selected for today’s mission. Details are below:

‘There have been multiple reports of sightings of unregistered mutants near the south sewer entrance. Go investigate with caution.’

Please debrief the computer on the status of your mission by the end of the Daycycle here.

Morning & Afternoon [0900 - 1600] — Service Firm Positions
All Troubleshooters not assigned a mission should report to their Service Firm for their daily duties, unless specifically assigned a different shift.

Evening [1600 - 2200] — Citizen Improvement
All Alpha citizens are encouraged to better themselves through Alpha’s wide variety of educational, entertainment and cultural opportunities offered each evening. Attending these sanctioned events are not mandatory, but is highly encouraged by The Computer. Citizens choosing not to take advantage of these opportunities, have a growing number of other options available to them in how to spend their hard earned credits and free time.

Tonight’s event will be at 2000 in Warehouse 97 in the R&D Sector and will be hosted by the Alpha Fight Club. Martial Arts and Boxing are skills all Alpha Citizens should have. Join us as we demonstrate how to get started and how to fight properly.

Alpha Curfew Restrictions
All Alpha citizens should be in their quarters within the Wagon Wheel by 2200, unless they’ve been given permission from a GREEN or higher clearance level citizen. Sleeping Aid gas is dispelled each night in the Wagon Wheel at 2200 to assist citizens in getting a productive sleeping period.

Confession Booths
There are hundreds of confession booths available around Alpha Complex if a citizen would like to communicate directly with the computer. Please use these confession booths to report mission statuses, report treason or terrorist acts, unregistered mutants, confess your trespasses against Alpha Complex, request propaganda or speak with Your Friend, The Computer, at any time.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

Katniss hasn't forgotten that Derek wanted to talk once they were both feeling more themselves again. She also hadn't forgotten how little persuasion it had ultimately taken Derek to dance with her. Or how what might have started as something to appease her seemed to turn into something that he actually enjoyed. Most of all, she hadn't forgotten the way he had kissed her back and the way it had made her body hunger for something other than food. No matter how hard she tries, she's never going to be able to forget a kiss like that.

But it hadn't been her. Derek had been right in saying they hadn't been themselves. She had been some other girl. A girl that she'll never be if she manages to avoid any other drugged foods. She doesn't want to subject Derek to the girl she really is. That girl is only good at hurting other people; exactly as she's doing now.

Every now and then, when she thinks Derek's too preoccupied to look in her direction, she glances in his. He doesn't look all that happy and it's easy to imagine that she's probably the result. Who'd want to be kissed by her to begin with? He's probably angry at her and Katniss wouldn't blame him one bit. She'd be furious if someone randomly kissed her, too. That Derek doesn't approach her for most of the day isn't that much of a surprise to her. He's probably changed his mind about wanting to talk. She doesn't blame him. Katniss wouldn't want to talk to her either.

The odds never exactly stay in her favor though. They make it through most of the day without talking but towards the end of their shift, as she finishes up with her last client, Derek approaches. Her face pales as he approaches but as tempting as it is to run, Katniss stays put.

He speaks and speaks and though Katniss knows she should say something in return, the words escape her. She's not good at this. She's not good at talking or emotions or figuring out anything about yesterday aside from how mortified she is. Her sister died - her sister died in a rebellion Katniss helped to cause - and she had spent her day kissing other boys and dancing. What kind of person is she? Why should anyone be this kind to her?

She swallows hard and shakes her head. "You're right. You're better off not knowing me."

Derek's chin lifts a little, something of a subconscious attempt to keep his head up. This is like Felicity all over again. He hadn't meant to put himself out there, but whether he'd meant to or not, he had with that kiss and he knows it because he remembers everything. A part of him kind of wishes he didn't.

This is a disturbing pattern, he thinks to himself. The worst kind of women are drawn to him when he's not looking, but the women who probably would be good to and for him — like Felicity, like Katniss; like Braeden — seem to realize belatedly that he's a mistake and they back away before it's too late and they get in too deep. They put the blame on themselves, but they back away all the same. He's really not sure why he's surprised this time, but he still manages to be.

She wants to back away, of course she does. That's fine, he tells himself. That's fine because the Alpha Complex is no place to start a relationship of that nature and she's honestly doing them both a favor, isn't she? Still, they work together. He can push her out of his mind in a few days like he mostly has Felicity, but they need to watch out for one another at work. Derek can separate the obligation from a friendship if that's what Katniss wants.

"Well, I already know you a little, so that's not really an option, but we can leave it as it is," he compromises. "Just co-workers. I can do that, if that's what you want. I just...you know, wanted to clear the air and find out where we stood and make sure we were on the same page so…" he shrugs. She's doing herself a bigger favor than she's doing him, he reminds himself. He really is a mess.

Derek clears his throat. "No hard feelings for my behavior, I hope. I wasn't really myself." He's talking about his kiss because she might've initiated it, but he took it and ran. That was probably unwelcome, in retrospect. This is his awkward attempt to apologize so that they can salvage at least a civil relationship while they're working in this service firm together.

Edited 2016-10-24 22:37 (UTC)

She hadn't meant to put herself out there period. That's the last thing she wants. To put herself out there, to let anyone get to know her. She wants to be alone here. She wants to be dead. She wants to forget the pain of losing her sister. She wants to forget everyone she's killed and forget that Peeta had ever been tortured because of her and just forget. She doesn't want to talk, let alone sing or dance or kiss anyone. She has no reason to be happy. No reason to be cared for.

That's what she should say to him. If she says these things, he might not feel so guilty. He might realize that he did absolutely nothing wrong. This is all her fault. Her fault for letting herself get drugged. Her fault for insisting he dance. Her fault for kissing him. It's all her fault.

It's not that the Alpha Complex is no place to start that kind of relationship. It's not that she sees him as anyone bad. It's all about doing what's right for him. And anything involving Katniss, even friendship, isn't good for anything. She'll only hurt him worse.

He's saying the right things, acknowledging that they can leave things as they already exist between them. Not build anything more between them. They can remain co-workers and not form any kind of bond. That sounds safe. Smart. But there are things that he says and the way that he says them that leave her confused. Her eyes narrow. "Why do you want to know what I want?"

What does he want?

Her response comes in the form of a question Derek wouldn't have expected to be asked. Which is funny, really, when he thinks about it, because it's the exact question he'd be asking if the tables were turned and she was using the same verbiage that he is right now. But Derek's used to being let down. Derek's used to being used and abandoned and forgotten until it's convenient. It's been a long time since Derek's felt anything other than that, if he's honest with himself, so it makes sense that he would ask those kinds of questions.

It doesn't make sense to him why Katniss is. It's just a reminder that he doesn't know her at all. Maybe that's his own fault, maybe it's hers, or maybe it just is what it is.

So when he answers, he looks as confused as he feels, head turning just slightly and eyebrows lifted. "...because I'm not a shitbag?" he asks more than answers. "Because I'd like to respect your wishes, because that's the kind of thing normal people do when they're in their right minds to do it, so...if you want me to fuck off, then I'll fuck off. If you want to be friends, then we'll be friends. Or we'll get there, anyway. I'm not trying to make this workplace more awkward an environment than it already is, so just...tell me what you want and we'll do that."

Because telling her what he wants will only make things worse because he shouldn't want it and he knows that.

It's entirely possible that they're a lot alike. That for whatever reason, the Computer assigned her a job with one of the few people in the Complex that might understand how hard a time she has accepting her glitched memories. Or why she's better off being standoffish and alone when not drugged by... well, whoever it is that drugged her. The glitches say that she's been used a lot. She's been a game piece for the past two years of her life. Why should she start trusting that anyone might have her best in mind?

Why should anyone trust her? Or think that she deserves anything decent in her life? Because she doesn't. If these glitches are real, she deserves them. She deserves the pain. And the last thing she deserves is anything good or kind.

His language is a little confusing but Katniss gets the gist of what he's trying to say. But that's not nearly as puzzling as the confused look that colors his face. As if he's surprised she's asking this. Why? He's the one that brought up the question of what she'd want in the first place. Of course she should question that. And question the fact he hasn't spelled out what he wants. Because very few people do anything out of the goodness of their heart.

She frowns as she stares at him, still confused but also looking stubborn and a little annoyed. Katniss doesn't appreciate being put on the spot like this. She also doesn't like how one-sided this all seems to be. Her brows knit together as she studies him. A second later, she asks, "What do you want?"

Because this whole awkwardness that now exists between them is her fault. She shouldn't get an easy way out of it. She doesn't deserve that.

Derek feels his stomach drop at her question. She doesn't answer his inquiries, just turns the question sort of back on him, which is the last thing he wants. His hand moves up to run through his hair and he looks down, shrugging. It doesn't matter what he wants because he shouldn't want it. He can't want it, because he's tired of hurting himself when he doesn't need to.

Shaking his head, he looks back up at Katniss and gives a little sigh. "I don't know," he lies. "I don't want this," he says gesturing between the two of them with a lazy hand as it falls away from the back of his neck. "I don't want this awkward, whatever this is. I know that much."

He's not entirely willing to share his thoughts on the matter, because she's like a whole other person right now than the Katniss he knows. He's only known her on the drugs and this her is like a skittish animal he has no intention of scaring off if he can avoid it. Derek has no idea how to proceed because he hadn't even really known the drugged Katniss that well, but this one is a whole other person and he has no frame of reference.

That's where he's wrong. It should matter what he wants. She's the one who had gotten them into this situation to begin with. She had stripped him of any choice he had in kissing her and despite that, he had kissed her back. Now he's being as polite (gentlemanly?) as he had been the previous night, offering her a chance to back away and pretend yesterday had never happened. All without saying how angry he is at her for getting them into this situation. She doesn't deserve such niceties.

Though he looks a little frustrated at having to answer the question, he does so anyway Not that his answer is all that helpful. She nearly scowls out of habit but somehow manages to restrain herself. Mostly because she's remembering how hurt he looked yesterday and how she thinks she might see echoes of that right now. He doesn't deserve to see the very worst she has to offer.

Katniss takes a deep breath. There are some things that she hasn't admitted to anyone yet. Things she doesn't want to admit because then it makes them all the more real. But she's broken her silence. As much as she wants to, refusing to speak might not be an option anymore. "I'm not a good person," she says, biting on her lip as not to cry at the memories. "I get people killed. Or I kill them. My si- my sister's dead if those glitches are real and..."

And she doesn't want those glitches to be real. She doesn't want to remember anything. Any of yesterday or the day before or that life she might have lived in Panem. She squeezes her eyes shut for a few seconds as she tries to steady herself. "You're better off not wanting anything from me. Everyone here is."

Something changes in her demeanor and in her expression before Katniss speaks again and Derek's waiting for her to say something he doesn't want to hear. She does, in fact, but it isn't in the vein he'd expected it to be. Derek's expression falls with sad empathy and he looks down.

For a long moment, he's quiet, trying to decide whether he ought to share his parallel or whether that's just going to make her feel worse for gravitating toward someone with the traits she hates about herself. Then, he realizes she hasn't. She hasn't gravitated toward him. Her drugged self had some interest in his drugged self and while he was a lot closer to the real Derek than she was the real Katniss, he still hadn't been himself.

"Those are all really, really awful things for us to have in common, Katniss, and I'm sorry," he says finally, sincerity laced into his words because how can they not be? He knows the feeling of wishing that the glitches weren't real. He held onto the belief that the glitches were just glitches so hard until Buffy chipped away at it and Stiles straight up shattered it to pieces. If there's one thing he understands, it's wishing they were real. "But you know what? Maybe it's not the worst thing in the world to have someone to share it with who gets that. I wanted the glitches to be glitches so bad...I still wish they were. So I get it."

He pauses then and takes a deep breath. "When I was—" he falters, having to make a conscious decision not to say about your age because that just makes him feel dirty considering the fact that he can't stop thinking about this girl and the kiss they shared, "— a teenager, I fell in love with a woman who was a lot older than me. Not a lot a lot, but old enough that it would've raised eyebrows. I thought she loved me, too. I made a mistake. I told her things I shouldn't ever have told her about my life; my family. She used those things against me. Against all of us. That was just the start of the downward spiral. My family is dead and that's my fault. It will always be my fault. And I can't change it or take it back and now I can't even pretend it isn't real anymore because I can't force myself into that much denial after running into other Specials here who were in my glitches...who remember me, too, and the same things I remember us experiencing together."

Sighing softly and, probably against his better judgement, he reaches a hand to push her hair behind her ear and looks her in the eye. "It took me a long, long time to realize that I made shitty decisions and I did some terrible things, but that doesn't make me a bad person. I don't believe that you're a bad person, Katniss, I really don't. I don't know you that well," he admits, his hand falling away, "but if the girl I did get to know a little exists anywhere inside you, even under the depths of darkness that come from being dealt a really shitty hand in life and losing the people you care about, then you're not a bad person. You just fucked up and other people paid the price. That doesn't define you, it's just a thing or things that happened and they suck, I'm not trying to say they don't or write them off as no big deal, because they very much are, but they don't define you. They just happened.

"You're not a bad person. I've known bad people. A bad person wouldn't feel guilt. They'd feel accomplished, if they felt anything at all. The fact that you're upset speaks volumes about your character, don't sell that short."

She catches the look of empathy on Derek's face and this time, Katniss doesn't stop herself from scowling. This isn't what she wants. Empathy or sympathy or anything remotely understanding in nature is not the response Katniss wants to see or hear. She doesn't deserve it. Not for the crimes that she's committed.

But no matter how much she glowers at him, Derek's expression doesn't change. Katniss is completely clueless of the parallels. He hadn't been as serious yesterday as he had been the day before but none of the brief interactions they've had are enough for Katniss to be aware of Derek's past. She wouldn't wish her life, let alone the tragedies, on anyone. It's better that she's unique in this matter.

Apparently she isn't.

His words hurt. They hurt like the burns that supposedly scarred her body rather than steal her life the way they had her sister's. They hurt because they're true. Once again, Derek's telling her the truth. He's not lying to her. He wanted the glitches to be lies as much as she still does. His family is as dead as hers. Most of that is his fault. It's eerily similar and for a few seconds there, Katniss feels like she can't breathe. The tears threaten and she wants to pretend this is all not real. That he is lying to her. Even if he isn't.

She doesn't fight him when he places a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Katniss wants to look away but it's hard. She really wants to look away when he tells her that she isn't a bad person because that's really hard to believe. She is a bad person. Good people don't kill other children. Good people don't get their homes burned down. Good people aren't her. The nightmares prove that. They remind her of all her wrongdoings as much as the glitched memories do during the day. There's no escape.

Swallowing hard, Katniss shakes her head in disagreement. She can't speak aloud; she's too choked up to talk. Tears threaten to fall. This isn't want she wants to hear. She shakes her head again and scowls. She's being weak and it's likely it'll come back to haunt her. But she can't forget the way her sister's body became a human torch. Every time she closes her eyes, she sees that. Punching Derek won't make her feel better but she tries anyway. It's a half-hearted shove that doesn't do anything to keep the tears from falling. They start seconds later.

For a long moment, Derek isn't really sure how Katniss is going to take the blow that the glitches aren't glitches, other than that she clearly doesn't like it. He's quiet once he's said his peace, letting her take it in; letting her process the fact that she's not alone. And that she isn't bad.

She pushes him and Derek stands his ground, waiting for subsequent pushes. Waiting to be hit or kicked or both or whatever it is that helps someone like Katniss deal with information she doesn't want. Derek throws things. Screams sometimes, or howls. He doesn't know Katniss well enough to know what she needs.

But when all he gets is that one, half-hearted push before Katniss starts to cry, Derek's face is pained for her. He steps forward then to close the space between them and he pulls her into a hug, because even though he imagines she'll try to pull away at first, this is a girl that asked him not to stop dancing because she liked how it felt. That girl is still in there somewhere and if the broken iteration of her in front of him, in his arms gives in, he has a feeling she needs the comfort right now.

"Hey, we're going to lunch," he calls over his shoulder. "Katniss, let's just...come on. Come on, I've got you. Come on," he says softly, starting to lead them away from their stations so she can be upset and cry in peace.

In the past, she's been more violent. In the past, she's done as much as possible to keep from letting others see her like this. Seeing her cry or break down, weak and pathetic. That had changed in District 13. It had changed all the more after her sister had died. The blow of that lost had been so crushing that Katniss couldn't even process what had happened at first. When it did sink in, she had simply given up.

She's given up again. If the glitches are real then she really doesn't have anything to live for. Her sister is still dead. And she's stuck... she's stuck where? In another game? In something worse? What's the point of being brave or tough here if the last thing Katniss wants is to survive.

Three's no protest when Derek pulls her into a hug. She continues to stand there limply for a few seconds more before she finally closes her eyes and buries he head against his chest. Derek isn't Peeta. He isn't Gale. But he's the best she has to hold her right now and Katniss needs that. He had danced with her, hadn't he? Even kissed her like he might actually care.

She doesn't want to move. She wants to stay here and just keep hiding from the world. But Derek seems insistent that they leave. She frowns as she has to move to his side. "I'm not hungry."

Even as they move, Derek keeps her close and he shakes his head a little. "Good thing we're not going to the Commissary, then," he tells her, steering them down the corridor and to the elevator. He's glad when they're alone in it and he doesn't make her talk nor does he speak as they make their way down to the eleventh floor where the RED sleeping quarters are.

Derek assumes that his two roommates are still at their troubleshooting positions, or else they're in the Commissary, and he finds he isn't wrong when he leads Katniss into the empty bedroom.

That's when he finally lets go of her so that he can close the door behind them. "Here, have a seat," he offers, gesturing toward the bed that no one's using at the moment; the only one that isn't a bunk. "I thought you might prefer a little bit of privacy, instead of the rest of the department and the clients watching..." he adds a little awkwardly.

A large part of him wants to go back to her, but he's not sure it'll be welcome or whether the moment for her to embrace being comforted has passed, so he hovers near the bed but doesn't join her on it just then.

She lets out a shaky breath when Derek admits that they're not going to the Commissary. Maybe Katniss should mention her suspicions about the food and how they might be laced with something that would have explained her behavior for the previous couple of days. He had been willing to listen to everything else she's admitted so far. And has yet to call her insane. Thankfully, if they're not going to get food, then she probably doesn't need to mention it. Not now, anyway. Besides, she's still feeling too shaken up and too ashamed from the way she had broken down on the job minutes ago. Words aren't going to come any time soon.

Neither do questions. It's not so much trust that Katniss extends to Derek as she lets him guide her down the corridor but her own realization of where he's leading to her. The pathway is familiar; there are only so many ways to get from the RED quarters to their job. Though this is only the third day that she's bothered with work, she already has the route memorized. It's safer that way.

She does hesitate a little when they stop in front of an unfamiliar room. This isn't the one that she shares with the other archer and the two girls. It's some other room. The door opens and he ushers her in and she knows she should be more cautious but when it comes down to it, she has two choices. Either Katniss can fight Derek and stay out in the hallway, letting the rest of the Alpha Complex see her pain much as they had her first two days here or she can take the chance that Derek won't harm her if she goes inside. She goes with the second option. The boy she had danced with and the boy that's been comforting her doesn't seem devious. Looks can be deceiving. They had been with Finnick Odair.

It takes Katniss another moment to decide whether or not to sit on the bed. The gesture is innocuous enough. Now that she's much more herself again, Katniss is far from trusting. Weariness wins out though, much like the gut feeling she had about Derek initially. She sits but her body remains tense, still an animal ready to flee if cornered. Taking a steadying breath, Katniss watches him. He's right. Again. This is better than being around their clients right now. A lot better.

But she's still suspicious. When Katniss finally finds her voice again, words come out in a slow, cautious question: "Why are you helping me? I told you. I'm not worth it."

Her question is fair enough and Derek gives a little shrug of his shoulders. "Because I've been where you are and nobody thought I was worth it. The only person who gave a shit about me was murdered so I had to do it alone. I don't want someone else to have to do it alone if I can help," he says with stark honesty. Nobody ever threw Derek a bone. Nobody ever reached out to Derek after Laura's murder. He'd found his sister in pieces in the woods and rather than seeking counsel for the man, they'd decided he was the culprit.

Rather than trying to find out why Derek wanted so badly to inject himself into Scott's life after the bite — because being an Omega in Beacon Hills was dangerous and he ached for some semblance of a pack again — Scott and Stiles desecrated his sister's grave and dragged his name through the mud. Instead of trying to understand why Derek was being so rough on them, Erica and Boyd chose to walk away. Peter was a story Derek never wanted to revisit again long enough to tell it. Cora turned her back and headed back down to South America because it was safer to be in a completely different country than at her older brother's side.

No one cared about Derek Hale and no one does. Derek's made his peace with that, but Katniss doesn't have to. She's not alone, not as long as he's stuck here, anyway. "Mind if I sit?" he asks, gesturing to the bed beside her without actually making any move to take up the space.

It surprises Katniss how calmly Derek answers her question. As if he thinks it's reasonable and not the least bit accusatory. Most people wouldn't react like Derek, would they? They'd be irritated at her at the very best. Angry that Katniss can't trust what's seemingly a good deed. But Derek seems to get it. He seems to understand that Katniss has absolutely no reason to trust him right now. He doesn't mind.

Katniss doesn't know what to make of that at first. Or Derek's admittance. That kind of raw truth isn't something you share with strangers. Then again, Katniss had been brutally honest with him earlier, hadn't she? She knows what it's like to be alone even if technically she's not. The glitches (memories) said she had Gale. That Peeta seemed to be returning to his former self. That there were others in Panem who supported her. She preferred to be alone because it was safer that way. That's the big difference.

"I'd say I'm sorry," Katniss begins, taking a deep breath as more words finally filter from brain to mouth. Apparently she can speak after all. She looks at him, meeting his gaze with raw honesty. He knows the worse of her life and has admitted a number of his own pains. What's there to hide? "But I wouldn't appreciate it if you said it to me and I don't think you'd appreciate it all that much either."

But she understands. Though she doesn't say that aloud, understanding is written all over her face.

She nods in response to his question about the seat. Trust still isn't entirely there but she knows this isn't her room. For all Katniss knows, she could be sitting on his bed right now. It wouldn't be fair to hog it all. She waits until after he sits to speak again. "Do you ever have nightmares?"

"I appreciate the sentiment behind the thought," he says, but a weak smile tugs at the corners of his mouth. "But you're right. It's empty words more often than not."

When she nods, Derek lowers himself to sit on the bed beside her, leaving a little bit of space between them. He has to remind himself that it doesn't really matter that he can't stop thinking about the dancing and the kiss, because it wasn't really him and it wasn't really her. She's still technically a stranger to him and he is absolutely one to her.

Taking a deep breath, Derek looks over at her when she asks whether he has nightmares. "When I sleep?" he asks, because he doesn't very often anymore. "Not here. Not so much here, because the gas puts me to sleep when I sleep in this place, but before here or if I fall asleep before the gas, I do. It's hard not to after you've seen some of the shit that I've seen." Like the bottom half of his sister. And then the top half. Among far too many other things. "...I'm guessing you too, huh?"

It's silly. It's silly but somehow that weak smile and his agreement with her statement makes Katniss smile weakly in concern. Given everything she knows in her glitches, she shouldn't be forming this kind of connection with anyone. It's not safe for them. It's not safe for her. The people that she cares for only manage to get hurt. But it's good to have someone that really understands. It's really good.

Though she wants to forget everything that had happened yesterday, she remembers the dance and the kiss. It's hard not to, especially with Derek sitting so close. The kiss had been heated and made her hungry for something she had only wanted once before. Meanwhile, dancing had made her feel safe. Much like she feels now. It's for Derek's sake that she should stop herself from feeling like this. Yet with every answer he gives, she feels safer.

"The gas doesn't help," she admits, frowning a little. Every nightmare comes vividly. She does her best not to scream in the night, not wanting to take the chance that she might waken her roommates. Not for their sake but her own; she doesn't want to be questioned in the morning. "They come anyway."

The fact that she seems to visibly relax, even if just the slightest bit, makes Derek relax a little bit, too. Sharing one's pain is never an easy thing to do and he doubts that Katniss did it for the purpose of sharing so much as he thinks she did it in an effort to get him to back off. Instead, she's only drawn him in further because now he knows that she understands the pain he feels every minute of every day and now she knows that he understands her. She's not alone anymore. They're not alone anymore.

Derek looks appropriately sympathetic to her when she says that the gas doesn't help. Given the fact that he seldom allows the gas to put him to sleep anymore, it doesn't help him anymore, either, technically. But for it to never be an option, that breaks his heart for her and he wonders if her wounds are still fresh. Derek's had over a decade, now, to deal with the loss of the family who died in the fire and a couple of years to grapple with the loss of Laura. The pain doesn't go away and it never really fades, either, but it becomes easier to function around it with time. He wonders if Katniss just hasn't had that time to help her, yet.

"I wish I could tell you that they'll go away eventually, but mine never did. I don't think they ever will...there are just some things you can't ever unsee," he sighs. Then he pauses. "...do any of your roommates know? About the nightmares?" he asks. Because maybe if she's got some sort of bond with any of them, they'd be willing to wake her up if they hear it; there are signs of nightmares that others can see and hear. It sucks to have interrupted sleep, but it sucks more to have restless sleep, if you ask Derek.

His assumptions aren't far from the truth. Katniss hasn't really opened up to anyone here. There's pain in her life that she doesn't want to share even if she can almost here Dr. Aurelius telling her she should talk to others. She had opened up to Derek initially to push him away. Because he had shown an interest in her others hadn't. But that had been initially. Something's changed between work and the sleeping quarters. Though she still thinks it's safest to push Derek away, it's not the reason why she's still talking.

Her wounds are extremely fresh. Only a handful of days had passed between Katniss being released from the hospital (and subsequently free of the morphling that had kept her numb) and finding herself here. Her body should be covered with healing scars and burns but it's not. The Computer may have given her that, but it hadn't taken away the horrible memories that accompanied the physical scars. She's not dumb enough to think that the pain will ever completely go away. She wants it to though.

"There are some things you can't ever forget," she agrees. It would be better if the glitches were just meant to teach her that. If Derek's right though, she isn't that lucky. Frowning, Katniss shakes her head. As far as she knows none of her roommates have woken from her nightmares. She'd rather keep it that way. "I don't plan to tell them either."

Derek nods to acknowledge what she's saying and pauses for a moment. Katniss is so closed off and it reminds him so much of himself, he's almost certain that any advice he can give her would be like giving said advice to a brick wall and, worse, he knows that she'd feel completely justified. When a person is in that much pain and they don't trust anyone enough to share it, it's hard to offer any wisdom to them that won't be immediately rejected. Derek knows, because he's been in her shoes. He's still trying to shake those shoes off, some days.

Taking a deep breath, he lets it out in a soft huff. "I was wondering if there were any of them that you trusted enough to ask that they wake you up if they notice any of the signs of restless sleep.." he starts, but he trails it off there, because she seems like a smart girl and he figures she can put the rest together on her own.

He gives her a sympathetic frown. "It's too bad we're not assigned the same room. I could do that for you if we were, since you've already told me, and nobody else would have to know."

He knows better than anyone else she's encountered so far and Katniss is still trying to figure out if this is a good thing or not. It's a relief and it's comforting but in her experience, that's not necessarily a good thing. It could lead to false security. Or to something far worse all together, something like attachment. Derek has to sense the same if he understands this much. And yet, he hasn't done anything to try and push her away yet.

That's what Derek should do. He should push her away. But hadn't he said earlier that he couldn't pretend yesterday didn't happen? Hadn't he been unable to answer her soundly when she had asked how he wanted to proceed, given nothing (that she's yet discovered) could wipe the memories from their minds?

It's confusing. He's confusing. And then he trails off and she's remembering another boy in another place and how having his arms around her had helped when nothing else could. It had helped when not even her sister's comfort could tame the nightmares. That boy isn't here. Worse, it's very likely that she had already lost that boy forever - prior to ever even arriving in Alpha Complex. President Snow had made Peeta revile her. He had a few moments of clarity, a few moments when he had been the boy with the bread that Katniss had remembered, as they had raced from death in the Capitol. There's no guarantee those moments would have lasted.

She doesn't answer Derek aloud this time. Instead she takes a deep breath, closing her eyes and doing her best not to let new tears fall. The memories she's been trying to forget are returning at an alarmingly fast and painful rate. She's bound to have fresh nightmares tonight and no one to comfort her because the only person she might stupidly trust is in another room. Katniss doesn't think. She closes the distance between herself and Derek, resting her head on his chest and wrapping her arms around his waist. It's dangerous being this close, but it helps more than she cares to admit.

For a moment, Derek's not really sure whether Katniss is even still with him in the moment or whether he's lost her to her thoughts. He's been guilty of that sort of thing now and again, so it wouldn't surprise him. He's quiet, letting her think and consider. Interrupting that is probably not a great idea for a lot of reasons, because he doesn't know what she's thinking about and there's no telling whether she needs to be lost in thought before responding.

Except that she doesn't respond at all. Instead, she moves, leaning into him and wrapping her arms around his waist; hugging him. Derek sighs softly, frowning with empathy and he envelopes her in his arms as well to hug her back. If that's what she needs, he's more than happy to give it to her. God knows, there were a million times in the past when Derek thought something as simple as a hug might have helped pull him out of a dark place, but there hadn't ever been anyone there to give it after Laura died. There's no reason to make Katniss suffer that emptiness if he's sitting right here and she's reaching out.

Derek reaches up to stroke her hair, smoothing it against her head with one hand before tilting his head down to draw her head beneath his chin. It's impossible to ignore the fact that, even though he knows that she's only doing this because she needs someone and he just happens to be right there and marginally trustworthy, he selfishly and guiltily kind of enjoys being this close to her again. He just wishes it was for a less awful reason.

"I know that talking can either help or make things feel worse, but if you're one of the people that it helps...you can always talk to me, Katniss. I know how this all feels. I wish I didn't, but I do, so...if you need to get it off your chest and want to talk to someone who understands, I'm here. Okay?"

This is a mistake. By now Katniss should know better. She should know better about trusting anyone, let alone forming any kind of connection. It's a mistake that she's made again and again, letting others in only to eventually lose them. Now that she's feeling herself again and not that gleeful girl who had been willing to talk and dance with anyone she encountered, she's more aware of the terrible reality that accompanies befriending others. She knows how stupid it can be.

But she hugs Derek anyway. It's not the same as being held in the middle of the night but it still helps. He's the only one who she's really trusted with her past. He knows why she needs this hug so badly. He understands. Derek doesn't push, not physically or emotionally. That's appreciated to. Everything that he's said and done today will ultimately go a long way in helping Katniss heal. Not that she realizes that right now.

Right now, Katniss just wants to be selfish. She wants to be selfish and seek strength in someone else. Derek doesn't seem to mind given the way he starts to stroke her hair and tucks her head underneath his chin. He's good at this. Hugging and holding and providing comfort. Maybe she should mention that to him. Eventually.

Talking doesn't make her feel better. Remembering doesn't either. Dr. Aurelius really hadn't accomplished all that much in District 13 or the couple of days she had actually seen him before coming here. He never seemed to expect her to talk and would usually use the time to get other things done. Derek's stressing talking, not as a doctor but as someone who's been in shoes similar to her own, but Katniss is stubborn. She still doesn't want to talk.

So instead, she nods her head against his chest. She understands that he'll be there in the future but he's here now. And though they probably should get back to work, she's in no hurry to return.

He hadn't really expected her to agree to talk, but the nod of acknowledgement is enough for Derek. It lets him know that she heard and understands that the option is there if she ever wants or needs it. That's as far as Derek is willing to push, because he knows how hard it is to open up. ...he still hasn't. It's been over a decade and he still hasn't told anyone who hasn't already been a witness to the string of bodies he leaves in his wake when he cares about people. Isaac, ironically, got off easy and the irony in that is that Derek had to damage their bond by breaking the kid down emotionally; treating him the same way his abusive father had treated him before the kanima killed him Derek had taken Isaac in. To date, Katniss is the only person who knows that the fire was Derek's fault, but even then, all she knows is that he trusted the wrong person. She doesn't know to what degree and he's not sure he'll ever share it.

So he's not going to be a hypocrite and force the information out of her. He only wants it if she wants to share it, anyway. "Okay, as long as you know that, that's all I want."

He should get her back to work, he knows that, but Derek can't bring himself to separate from her when he has a feeling that she's been aching for this kind of comfort from someone — anyone — for a while and she either hasn't had access or she's been refusing to let herself indulge. She's clinging, which is pretty contradictory to the girl who physically pushed him away not half an hour ago. That, in and of itself, is an indicator that his assumptions are probably not too far off.

"Are you gonna be okay?" he asks softly, the monotonous movement of his hand over her hair continuing in an attempt to soothe her and help her calm down and relax.

She'd probably blush if she knew that he had trusted her with a secret that he hasn't told anyone else. Blush and mumble that she really isn't all that worthy of his trust. It's not that Katniss isn't trustworthy; she tends to be extremely loyal to friends and family. But her self-worth needs some serious work. She doesn't think all that highly of herself on the best of days. On the worst of them, days like today, it's practically non-existent. She doesn't know if that's something Derek would understand too but by she wants to think so. He's proven to understand so much already.

Lunch breaks only last so long and there's the fact that Katniss technically took one earlier. A lunch of water isn't much but it had helped ease the hunger a little. Sooner or later, someone's going to wonder where she is. Where they are. But there's something about Derek that makes her feel safe. Katniss doesn't want to leave that. Not now. Possibly not ever.

She takes a deep breath when he asks if she's going to be okay. Despite that desire to stay safely hidden against Derek's chest, Katniss pulls away enough to be able to look up at him. Her lips quirk a little to the side, the look on her face sad and knowing. "Do I have a choice?"

Katniss has to be okay. No one else will be okay for her.

Daycycle 113 [ October 23 - October 29 ]

daycycle 113

[Oct 23 - Oct 29]

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