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Daycycle 116 [ November 13 - November 26 ]

daycycle 116

[Nov 13 - Nov 26]

[OOC Plotting for this Daycycle can be found here.]
[The Charity Ball Entertainment post is here.]
[This DC has been extended through 11/26.]

Early Morning [0800 - 0900] — All Troubleshooters Report for Duty

No Special Troubleshooters have been selected for a mission this morning.

Morning & Afternoon [0900 - 1600] — Service Firm Positions
All Troubleshooters not assigned a mission should report to their Service Firm for their daily duties, unless specifically assigned a different shift.

Matt Murdock's office will be assigned to defend the most recent Specials accused of treason. He will not be allowed to contact the traitors directly, but he will be given the task of preparing his cases. He has 48 hours to prepare.

Jack Harkness has been selected to plan the entertainment for tonight's Charity Ball, thanks to the popularity of his performances during the Alpha Talent Show a few days ago. When he asks The Computer for help, several specials are assigned to him. Izzy Lightwood will be his event planning assistant and "Stiles" Stilinski will assist in MCing the night's event. Due to their popularity, all Specials will be approached about being auctioned off for dances in order to help raise money by Jack, Izzy and Stiles. They will also be asked if they're willing to take part in specially planned choreographed dances. Dance lessons will be provided for those that require them during the afternoon hours.

Evening [1600 - 2200] — Citizen Improvement
All Alpha citizens are encouraged to better themselves through Alpha’s wide variety of educational, entertainment and cultural opportunities offered each evening. Attending these sanctioned events are not mandatory, but is highly encouraged by The Computer. Citizens choosing not to take advantage of these opportunities, have a growing number of other options available to them in how to spend their hard earned credits and free time.

Tonight’s event will begin at 1800 at the Alpha Museum of Fine Art and will be hosted by The ~~Humanists~~ Alpha Society for the Arts. Tickets to the event are 1000cr and can be bought up until an hour before the event begins. Attendees have been given special permission to wear Old Reckoning clothing for this event only, as long as it is the same color as their clearance level. Specials may notice that many of the Alpha Citizen's outfits have gotten key parts of Old Reckoning clothing wrong, with buttons instead of sequins, for example, or men wearing ties that are much too long and go to their knees. Alpha's Very Special Forces will be present to ensure the safety of those attending.

An entire wing of the museum has been cleared as a makeshift dance floor. In an attached room there are several tables covered in white tablecloths and set with the crystal and china that usually only graces Violet citizen tables. Along the wall is a massive buffet made with real food and including an elaborate ice sculpture. There is a bar in the corner where Alpha's finest spirits are being disbursed freely. For the first hour, the focus is on the food and mingling. The music playing is calming and instrumental. There are some that steal the dancefloor for a slow spin, but the majority of the attendees seem reluctant to move away from the buffet.

And then at approximately 1900, Jack Harkness will take the stage and begin the evening's real entertainment.

Alpha Curfew Restrictions
All Alpha citizens should be in their quarters within the Wagon Wheel by 2200, unless they’ve been given permission from a GREEN or higher clearance level citizen. Sleeping Aid gas is dispelled each night in the Wagon Wheel at 2200 to assist citizens in getting a productive sleeping period.

Confession Booths
There are hundreds of confession booths available around Alpha Complex if a citizen would like to communicate directly with the computer. Please use these confession booths to report mission statuses, report treason or terrorist acts, unregistered mutants, confess your trespasses against Alpha Complex, request propaganda or speak with Your Friend, The Computer, at any time.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

A scowl probably isn't the proper response to anything Derek says in return, but Katniss scowls anyway. Everything she just said - Katniss doesn't think she could've sound more idiotic if she tried. Like Glimmer, giggling and trying to flirt with Caesar's entire audience. No, worse than that. She sounds like one of the vain, stupid Alphas that give ridiculous nicknames to some of the Specials. Katniss hates herself right now. She hates herself a lot.

And Derek just continues to compliment her. Telling her that it's the girl in the dress he likes more than the dress itself. Calling her his hero and actually looking as if he might mean it. Doesn't he get how stupid she sounded? He should be laughing at her, not... not continue being so nice.

"I meant it objectively," she mumbles, still scowling in self-directed anger. Yet as they dance, she doesn't miss a step. It's easy to dance with Derek. It's very easy. She steps into his space enough to move a little bit closer to him. Derek might be conscious of an audience but she's too caught up in her own thoughts to consider it. "That the woman - all the Alphas - have been eyeing you and her hands were going..."

Katniss quickly shakes her head. Defending her words only seems to make everything worse. But too much of tonight reminds her of things from the glitches. Of Finnick. She presses her lips into a stubborn, thin line as she finally dares herself to look back up at him. "You don't deserve that. Being treated like a commodity."

Katniss isn't actually saying anything Derek doesn't already know. He's used his looks to get him places and he's been used. None of it ever feels good, but sometimes the end justifies the means and Derek wants access to real food all the time. He can handle some handsy Alphas if it means something to supplement the goddamn slop he has been stuck eating on a more regular basis.

When Katniss looks back up, Derek gives her a small smile and he nods. "Nobody deserves that, but I'm not going to complain. I wouldn't be doing it if I didn't have a damn good reason to do it. I don't give anywhere near enough of a shit about this place and the people in it to be doing this out of the goodness of my heart," he explains. Derek doesn't tell her what he's been offered in order to agree to it, but that's mostly because he wants to make sure they deliver before he does. There's no point getting his friends' hopes up if he can't actually share because these people don't follow through with their end of the bargain now that Derek's kept up his.

"Did you eat?" he asks, nodding toward the buffet. Don't think he hasn't noticed how tired she's been and Derek can only chalk that up to lack of sleep for so long. He only ever sees her with water in hand. Whether she's eating or not, he isn't sure, but he does know that he hasn't seen her do it since the coffee debacle.

She's been used too, albeit never because of her looks. It had been for some quality that Katniss still can't define. How was it put before? The effect she had on others? Whatever it was, it had made her an effective game piece multiple times. A figurehead to inspire by in an uprising. Someone to despise back in the Capitol. A way to lose all control of her life and, ultimately, lose the people that mattered most to her.

So she doesn't take being used well. She won't be signing up for the auction, silent or live, because she wants nothing to do with having anything about her - her skills or herself - sold off. It angers her to see the few potential friends she's made here involve themselves in the auction, even if they do so willingly. They're game pieces tonight and she can't help but worry about how it'll all turn out.

But maybe she's worrying about nothing. For the first time since they started dancing, she falters in her steps. He doesn't give a shit about the people in this place. That he might be referring to the non-Specials doesn't cross her mind. In her mind, it's easy enough to infer that he's talking about everyone. That those efforts he had made to be kind to her, to care for her, had been some kind of lie. It hurts. It hurts a lot more than it should. Especially when he follows up the explanation asking if she's eaten.

"Why do you care?" The words come out in an accusation and Katniss doesn't bother to hide the hurt she feels. It colors her tone and expression more than her anger, even if that anger is easier to hide behind. Now it sinks in that there might be people watching. Because she should stop dancing with him but if she does, people might realize they're fighting. Drawing attention to herself is not something she wants. So her grip tightens on him even as she glowers accusingly at him. "If you don't give a shit about the people here."

It doesn't take a werewolf or one's senses to notice the sudden change in Katniss. Derek realizes he's clearly said something offensive to her, but he can't for the life of him figure out what that thing is. It doesn't surprise him, though, is the saddest part. Derek is forever a fuck up. Of course he's said something wrong. Why not?

But then when she snaps back at him accusingly, he realizes his misstep. Except that Derek doesn't think it was a misstep. He doesn't care about these people. He couldn't give a shit less about R&D. He doesn't know the Specials that were in the blast and he definitely doesn't know any of the other Alphas that were there. Derek is in at this ball as a favor to a friend and he's offered himself up for auction in exchange for real food. That's it.

"I don't give a shit about them, Katniss," he says in a low voice meant especially for her, but he does sound hurt and frustrated that, after everything, she could think that she'd been included in that. "I care about you. You're my friend. I don't have a whole lot of those."

If either of them is forever a fuck up, it's definitely her and not him. She's the fuck up and this conversation proves it. Everything that she's done or said in his presence is proof that she's the awful one. Derek's treated her better than she deserves. He had been willing to train her despite the fact that she had skipped out on work the first couple of days. He hadn't pushed her away after she had kissed him. He had been willing to hold her at night. And now, after she had left him that morning without a word, he's still telling her that he cares for her.

All that Katniss has done is accost and accuse. The glitches had been right. No matter what, she'll never be a good person. Why does she even try?

"Oh," is all she can really bring herself to say at first. A sad and confused 'oh.' It was easy for her to think that she could be included in the list of people he doesn't care about because she doesn't care about herself most of the time. Katniss swallows hard. She hadn't meant to hurt him and she had anyway. "You shouldn't. Care about me."

Oh, she says. 'Oh.' All she's got is 'oh' and the more she talks, the more this feels like Felicity all over again. Unavailable. They're always unavailable or he's just unwanted. The latter tends to be true more often than it isn't.

'Oh.' What the hell is he supposed to say to that?

What am I even fucking doing here? I look ridiculous, I feel like an idiot, I didn't actually want to come…

'Oh.' She said 'oh.' Worse, she followed it not with "I care about you, too." Not with "you're my friend, too." Katniss followed oh — as opposed to I'm sorry. — with the fact that he shouldn't care about her. Derek's wondering why he does, at the moment. Why he cares about anyone anymore, because he only ever ends up hurting for it, but he can't make it stop. He can't just shut it off. Sometimes, Derek wishes he could. His life would be a hell of a lot easier most days if he could just turn it off.

"Little late for that," he says quietly.

"Yeah," she whispers, closing her eyes and adjusting her arms so she's resting them around her neck. It is a little too late for that. A little too late for both of them. Katniss is aware of how contradictory she's being right now, her actions expressing something very different from her words. She shouldn't be doing this. She shouldn't be moving closer, shouldn't make the situation any more intimate than it already is. But his quiet words had hit a chord in her.

It's not something that she realizes she's even doing. Gale had pointed out once that she only kissed him when he was in pain. Derek isn't Gale. He doesn't have her friend's fire. More than that, Derek gets her. He gets the pain and guilt she carries, sort of like Peeta, but not like Peeta all at the same time. Derek is something - someone - different from either boy. And she likes that. She likes it a lot.

She's a horrible human being and even though she's already made it clear to him, Derek still seems to care. Her head is bowed rather than daring to look at him. It's easier that way. She really is a horrible person. But she can't help the way she feels. "Little late," she echoes. "Same here."

Letting people in definitely was not part of her plan. Not that Katniss had much of a plan to begin with.

Her body language completely contradicts her words and Derek isn't a smart man, but he isn't stupid either. Her problem is much like his own. She doesn't trust herself. She doesn't trust her own judgement in people; she doesn't trust that she can have someone in her life without hurting them, either directly or indirectly. If anyone understands that, its Derek, because he lives that same fear every day and has for years.

She's closer now than she was and she echoes the sentiment even though she's just said he shouldn't feel the way he feels. Derek always knew women were confusing, but Jesus...

The thing is, Derek is fast getting the feeling that she doesn't want to be developing feelings for him and that's why there's so much pushback, but the fact of the matter is that she is anyway. That's what it feels like t him, anyhow, and he's not sure whether he should take a step back and give her time to figure out what she wants or if he should just show her that he wants it too.

His own head ducks a little and he touches the side of his face to hers. "Then you kind of have two choices. Keep pushing me away or let it happen, Katniss."

She'd probably be a lot less confusing if she actually understood her own emotions. Or at least had the slightest hint of how they worked. Or how to interpret the emotions behind the actions of others. If she was capable of doing any of that, maybe she would have figured out how Gale felt towards her earlier on. She would have better understood Darius' flirting. That Katniss wasn't only fooling all of Panem when it came to her feelings towards Peeta; she had been fooling herself as well.

Unfortunately, it's not a lesson that she's yet learned. She still can't read others all enough. She most definitely doesn't trust her own judgement, let alone emotions. She doesn't trust anything about herself. Why should she? What was the last good decision Katniss actually made in her life? She's having a hard time remembering that. More often than not, even if she thinks she's making the right choice, it always ends in disaster. Why would anything she does here result in any different kind of outcome?

She leans against his cheek when his face moves close enough. This isn't the kind of luxury she should allow herself. Just like she shouldn't have crawled into his bed last night. Katniss shouldn't let Derek grow any closer to her. She really shouldn't. But instead, she murmurs, "Let what happen?"

If that isn't a loaded question, Derek isn't really sure what is. Let what happen? He can answer that any number of ways, running the gambit from what he wants to something as simple as "just relax and be my friend." So, he's quiet for a moment, mulling over his options.

It's frustrating to care about people here, because Derek wants nothing more than to get out and go home. If he finds a way to do that, now he'll have to grapple with whether he wants to leave them behind or stay miserable to keep them close and that's not something Derek had mentally prepared for when he'd finally accepted the fact that the glitches weren't glitches at all. And he's finding that, without his enhanced sense of smell, he's having a really difficult time getting a read off Katniss in the moment — or ever — because he doesn't have chemosignals to guide him in one direction or another.

In other words, Derek is learning that he depends a lot more on his senses for basic social interaction than he realized. No wonder neither of them know what the hell is going on between them. She's stunted in her own way and so is he.

"Whatever you want," he finally answers. "If you want to be my friend, then just be my friend. If you want to care about me, then just care about me. Just let whatever is going to happen happen and stop pushing back on it. You can't be alone forever. Trust me, I've tried. Letting yourself stay isolated for too long leads to shittier decisions than you'd make if you had an open ear available to listen when you need it."

Maybe not the best advice considering he's pretty sure she finds him to be a shitty decision, as it is, but all the same, the advice does come from the heart with good intentions in mind. If what Katniss feels is best for her is to leave him in her wake, then that's fine and Derek will respect that, but what he can't respect is her deciding that leaving him behind is the best option because she's afraid...and he can't respect that because he's made decisions for that reason and it never got him anywhere. He knows how much worse it can make a person feel, especially when they spend a chunk of the rest of their life wondering why they chose that direction of the fork in the road when they should've chosen the other.

There's a part of her that really wants Derek to spell out what should happen implicitly. Tell her what to do because no one should ever let Katniss make decisions anymore. Because all of her decisions end up as bad ideas. She doesn't even entirely comprehend how she got into this situation in the first place. They had been co-workers and then... Then Buffy was warning her not to hurt him and Katniss found herself being wrapped in Derek's arms and...

And it's frustrating to care about people period. She never seems to do it correctly. All she ever seems to do is actually hurt others.

His words hit home hard. The glitches are real memories. Katniss hadn't discussed her plan to assassinate Snow with anyone. It had been something that she had decided upon on her own, without discussion to see it through. It had turned into a suicide mission. Katniss acts and doesn't think, which means she doesn't talk any of her choices through with others. Volunteering for Prim. The stunt with the berries. This is why she should stay isolated. And as soon as she starts to consider that again, she thinks back to the propos team. To watching almost all of them die in a mission she never even completed.

Katniss doesn't consider Derek a shitty decision. How can she when he understands everything about her so well?

"Whatever I want," she muses, frowning a little at those words. He's giving her a lot of freedom here. A lot. And once again, he's not mentioning what his desires are at all. That drives her crazy. Katniss comes from a society that put their needs before anyone else's. That expect something else in return if they help. Derek doesn't act like that and it leaves her at a loss. "You're doing it again. Putting me first."

Like Peeta. But Peeta had been in love with her since they were children.

"Why do you keep doing that?" Why do you care so damn much? She sighs in frustration. "I'm not used to people liking me."

Sometimes Derek feels like he's setting himself in circles. Much the way he'd shown Felicity interest only to feel sort of run around before Natasha gently let him know he was pretty much wasting his time, Katniss is probably giving him a less than subtle hint that he needs to back off and move on. Derek's just never been very good at taking subtle hints; he needs someone to beat him over the head with the reality stick before it actually sets in. Where is Natasha now to help a bro out?

The problem is that Derek falls hard and fast and Katniss isn't giving him any concrete reasons not to let it happen. She's closed off but not to him. She's close to him; she's tactile with him. She tells him things that she says she doesn't tell anyone else. She came to him last night instead of her sister — or anyone else, for that matter — for comfort when she needed it. These things all point to the fact that Derek's growing feelings, however semi-undefined at the moment, are mutual to some degree. There's more than a physical attraction between them. In fact, Derek would wager that the emotional attraction is stronger than the physical one. Katniss is pretty, he's not going to pretend that he hasn't noticed that, but he thinks that maybe she's more attracted to something Derek can't control on his end. For whatever reason, he makes her feel safer. Derek's happy to provide that, but he has a feeling that's where the attraction stems on Katniss's side. He can nurture that if she lets him, but she has to let him and it seems to Derek that she wants to, but she won't allow herself.

Ironically, however frustrating that is, if the tables were turned, Derek would be behaving exactly the same way.

"I don't know what you want me to say here, Katniss," he admits. It feels like she's looking for a specific answer to that question and Derek doesn't know. There are a lot of reasons he suspects have a hand in it, like the fact that she reminds him a lot of himself and his sisters after the fire, so he feels like he's meeting someone who gets him for the very first time. Maybe he just needs someone to take care of and she fills the niche. Maybe it's that she managed to get him to come out of his shell a little, granted with the help of some drugged coffee, but he's not drugged now and he's still dancing.

She says she's not used to people liking her and Derek almost laughs because, well...story of his life. People don't generally like Derek, because they never try to get to know him at all and Derek has a very prickly exterior that he shows the world. Only the people who put forth an ounce of effort or give him the idea that they might actually give a shit get to see who he really is. It's why people like Buffy, Alcide, and Katniss each individually know him better than everyone in McCall's pack combined. McCall's pack never actually cared. He suspects these people, for whatever reason, do. "Stop living in the past. It's over; it's done. Your sister is alive. You're not home. You get to start over here, so why do you keep forcing yourself into that same tiny box? It's not worth it, Katniss. This place isn't much, but there is one thing I can give it credit for: there are some very good people here worth knowing. And it's a get out of jail free card."

He closes his eyes and sighs softly, his cheek still against hers as he holds her close. They're barely moving at this point, he's slowed their swaying pace so much. "Whatever happened back home...it's over now. This is a new life. You can shit on it or you can embrace it, but I can promise you, the latter feels a lot better."

He's not the only one incapable of understanding subtle hints most of the time. She tends to be obtuse, too caught up in her internal dilemmas to pay too much attention to a lot of the subtleties going on around her. That's part of the issue going on now. Derek isn't necessarily running in circles. Katniss isn't Felicity; while she feels strongly for both Gale and Peeta, neither boy is here. Her last memories of really having a chance to talk to them, a chance that didn't involve screaming or pleading or desperate kisses in sewer systems, involve more confusion than any definite emotions. Who would improve her survival? Did they really see her as someone that cold-hearted?

Of course they did. She meant it when she said that she's not used to being likable. Even the two boys that professed to love her saw her as the kind of person who would be calculating when it came to choosing between them. Is it all that surprising that she expects the same of Derek? It's practically all that she knows.

His wager wouldn't be that far off the mark. It embarrasses her that she's physically attracted to Derek. Then again, anything related to sexuality tends to make her extremely uncomfortable. Katniss remembers that one kiss they shared and how good it had made her feel as soon as Derek heated it. But it is more than that. It's the sort of thing that connected her to Peeta even though that had probably been a mistake too. Derek understands. He gets it. And there's a kind of safety in that that she craves. If she lets him nurture those emotions, it's entirely possible they would lead to something more - not that Katniss fully realizes that.

If she's being honest, she doesn't know what she wants Derek to say either. That doesn't stop her from scowling at him as soon as he admits it. That's not the answer she wants even if she doesn't know what she wants and Katniss doesn't hesitate in letting him know. There's nothing she feels as if she has to hide from him. Despite not being likable, he seems to like her. Neither of them are drugged right now and yet he's holding her close. She has her arms wrapped around his neck and they sway side to side, cheek to cheek. And even as he tells her hard truths that Katniss doesn't want to hear, she doesn't move away.

Stop living in the past. Is that what she's doing? Clinging to those mistakes she made in Panem, to those glitches the computer tried to convince her were just that, to excuse herself from forming any attachments here? Prim appeared but that's no guarantee any of the others will. There's no guarantee the past will relieve itself either, and she'll hurt people simply by being herself. She might never be able to leave Alpha Complex. Home... has been razed to the ground thanks to President Snow. Yet, for all his advice makes sense, Katniss is feeling ornery and stubborn.

So she pulls her head away just enough to be able to meet his gaze. They're a lot alike, her and Derek. And she wonders if she's the only one these words are meant to convince right now. Is he having the same problems? Her eyes aren't cold but there's still a steeliness to it as she tries to hide her uncertainty. She fails miserably at that.

Quietly, "What if I can't? Or I don't know how?" Katniss takes a deep breath, not looking away or letting go. "What did you do to embrace it?"

Edited 2016-11-20 18:23 (UTC)

The first questions she asks aren't the kind of questions anyone other than Katniss can answer, really. But that last one...

That last one.

Talk about a loaded question, that one in particular hits him right in the gut. He won't be helpful if he sugarcoats it or lies to her and it sounds pathetic in his head, never mind the way he thinks it'll probably sound out loud, but it isn't going to help anyone for him to pretend it isn't the truth.

What did he do to embrace this place?

"I hated my life before this place," he admits. "I hated it. I was miserable. I was alone. This place isn't great, but it's not Beacon Hills, either. Fucking petrie dish of drama and death and failure, that's where I was before here. This place has shitty food and there's no individuality, but weirdly there's some comfort in being just another face in the crowd. I miss who I really am and they took that away from me, but if I'm not who I really am then I'm not so dangerous and maybe then I'm not a threat, and maybe then, the people around me stop dropping like flies or walking away."

He gives her a little shrug. "I embraced this place because it's the lesser of two evils. This place sucks, but it's still better than home."

She's getting good at that, isn't she? Asking him the kind of questions that hit him right in the gut. It's something that she did when they discussed (or not quite discussed) that kiss. It's something she's doing now. But it's a lot easier than actually trying to think things through for herself. What if she can't let go of the past? The Computer could have made it easy. It could have gotten rid of those glitches from the very start. But it didn't. Nothing in her life could ever be so kind.

Really, she's grateful that he doesn't sugarcoat it. That he doesn't try to lie to her or try to make the truth seem better than it is. Does Derek realize how similar his story sounds to her own? The only difference is that she doesn't miss being the Girl on Fire or the Mockingjay or any of the titles that had somehow gotten assigned to her in the past couple of years. She doesn't miss being in the spotlight. Being in the spotlight had become too synonymous with getting people killed.

"I don't have a home to go back to," she mutters, frowning as she talks. There's so much about her life she doesn't want to share with anyone and yet again, she finds herself sharing with Derek. Because he gets it. Because he had opened up and shared with her. "It burned to the ground cause of me."

They could rebuild. Now that the war is over, will people go back and rebuild? Katniss has no idea. Is there any reason for her to go back anyway? It probably would be better for all of them if she didn't. If she forgot them, if she just started new here, it could be safer for everyone left behind. For Peeta, even for Gale.

"It's not just Prim I got killed," she continues, the severity of her frown increasing. It's easier to scowl than let herself cry. Derek's ridicule isn't what she's afraid of. She's afraid that the rest of Alpha will see her weak. "Panem is better off without me. The war's over so they don't need me anymore. All I do is get people killed. More reason why you shouldn't care for me."

Her response does admittedly take Derek a little off guard and that's mostly because he's not sure if she's being literal or figurative with that statement. Derek feels like he has no home to go back to, but that's because even though Beacon Hills is still there, it isn't home anymore. Even though Brooklyn is still there, that isn't home anymore, either. Derek doesn't belong anywhere anymore. He refuses to call this place home because that's an especially pathetic way to admit defeat and Derek isn't willing to do that.

The irony in the fact that she says it burned to the ground because of her is so thick in the air that he's almost choking on it. Derek's still not sure if that's literal or figurative, but for him, to some degree, that statement would be very literal. Beacon Hills hasn't been home since the Hale House burned down and that was his fault.

"Katniss, you can list off reasons I shouldn't care about you until your face turns blue, but I can't just turn it off. Do you understand that? I'm in it now and I can't just turn it off," he says, frowning. If turning off emotion like that is something Katniss can do, Derek can't decide whether he feels pity or envy toward her.

His head lowers a little more, forehead meeting hers. "We both only ever get people killed. We're both homeless because we fucked up. I'm sorry that you know how it feels. I wish that you didn't."

Metaphoric language isn't really something Katniss is good at. She's blunt and to the point, incapable of lying or saying anything but what's directly on her mind. While Katniss hadn't been there to witness the destruction of her District, she had gone back to see what little remained. Snow had purposely spared the Victor's Village to further his message. The rest though? The charred remains of her childhood and the the skeletal remains of those caught in the fire remained permanently seared in her memory. Her sister's death isn't the only thing she has nightmares about.

Her statement had been very literal. Of course, she doesn't know how literal the words can be for Derek, too.

Turning off emotion is something she wishes she can do. It's something she wishes she could do for a long time now. But no matter how hard she tries, she feels. She feels too much. Alpha Complex isn't Panem but it doesn't change how dangerous this place might be. Or how damaged she is.

"Aren't you afraid that I'll get you killed?" she whispers, not moving away when his forehead leans against her own. Her gaze meet his and she can't hide her vulnerability right now. "Because I am."

The more people she lets into her life, the more likely that eventually, one of them will die because of something she did.

His eyebrows cock with interest at her question. Is he afraid that she'll get him killed? It's a fair question in her mind, he's sure. If she feels like all she leaves in her wake is destruction, it makes sense to ask that and Derek should know. He feels like that, too.

Then, he shakes his head a little, his forehead still against hers. "I'm not afraid of anything worth letting my life stop over anymore," he whispers back. And he supposes that if he wants to prove that, he ought to make his actions match his words.

Derek leans in a little and his lips brush against Katniss's, chaste and soft and he pulls back, not much, but enough to give her space. Derek is afraid of being a failure. He's afraid of getting the people he cares about killed. He's afraid of going to sleep alone. But life goes on and Derek's gotten to the point in it that if he just keeps holding back and stunting himself from every trying to grow, he's realized that he'll never get past it. And maybe he never will, anyway, but at least he can say he tried. "I'm not afraid of you, Katniss. Stop being afraid of me."

His words go along perfectly with everything that he's been saying. That she needs to live. She needs to embrace life here in Alpha Complex - especially given what little remains of any life she could have back home. No District, no sister. Too much guilt weighing down on her, guilt for mistakes that she doubts that she'll ever be able to atone for. She needs to stop using all of that pain from her past as an excuse. No matter how hard doing that might be.

Katniss is ready to call him an idiot but Derek doesn't give her a chance. The kiss is chaste but it's still a kiss, his lips warm and soft against her own. She finds herself smiling when he pulls away. This isn't like that last kiss. That one had been the result of all the HappiTime pills and the other drug slipped in the coffee. This one is real. And her reaction, the way her heart seems to skip a beat, is real too.

Life does go on. That's the most terrifying part of all.

"I'm not afraid of you," she clarifies quietly, glancing at his lips and wondering what it might take to get him to kiss her again. And feeling just a little uncomfortable that that she's considering just taking that kiss herself. "It's that other thing. Hurting you."

He gives another subtle shake of his head. "If you hurt me, you won't be the first or the last. That's life," Derek says quietly. The tone is neutral because he's stating a fact. As far as Derek is concerned, life is little more than a collection of small victories and big disappointments. Nothing in life would feel good if people didn't also encounter pain to balance it. If one doesn't know pain, how can one truly know happiness and appreciate it?

"Stop being scared. Take the leap of faith or don't, but don't be too afraid to try if you want to try. Take it from someone who has done that too many times, you're hurting yourself more than you can ever hurt anyone else," he tells her.

She hadn't pushed him away when he'd kissed her and she still hasn't. That makes him want to try again but he hesitates, as well he thinks he should because if he doesn't, then he's taking the leap for her. Derek has made his interest loud and clear now. Pushing it any further on his own isn't fair. She has to make the decision, ultimately, whether she wants to stay the course or call it done.

So what if that's life? It doesn't excuse anything if she still winds up hurting him. Katniss doesn't even have to try. It seems that all she has to do is exist in order to hurt the people in her life. She doesn't know how much more heartache she can actually survive. If she had stayed in Panem, would she have ever found her voice again? Finding herself in Alpha Complex forced her out of that depression. It wouldn't take her much to break again.

A little more happiness in her life might not be such a bad thing. She has Prim and that's certainly brought some joy back into her life. How dangerous would it be to to let a little more in?

She places her thumb on his chin, rubbing it curiously over the scruffy hair that covers his face. Her other fingers curl underneath his jaw and she tilts his head towards hers. Kissing a boy shouldn't be so terrifying, not after all the experience she had gotten kissing Peeta over the past two years. Yet if not for the Hunger Games, Katniss would never have been so free with her kisses. She'll never be that kind of girl. She doesn't have to be to recognize what Derek's offering her right now: a chance to step forward.

Her eyes close as she finally presses her lips against his and smiles again. Her kiss is gentle and tentative, but it's real.

For a moment, Derek stands very still. Her thumb moves over his stubble and his eyes search hers even though he can already see that she's mostly looking down at his mouth and can't see it. He should take that as a sign that she's going to kiss him and, quite honestly, if she was someone else, he probably would. If Katniss was a different person, Derek would've taken that hint and pushed on so that she didn't have to be the initiator. The problem with Katniss is that she's a bit of an enigma to him and he doesn't dare make the wrong assumption, lest he break the eggshells on which he's been walking. He doesn't want to lose her. If she just wants to be friends, he can handle that, but he doesn't want her gone entirely and so Derek is especially careful with that sort of thing. When he feels the urges, or gets the inclination that she might be okay with it, he still hesitates.

But then she's kissing him and he can feel the smile against his lips. That has to be a good sign; it kind of can't be anything but. Derek draws her closer and deepens the kiss a little. It isn't hungry as it had been on coffee day at work, because he's careful to regulate that while they're inevitably being watched — and probably not just by a jealous GREEN citizen whose dance was interrupted by a RED who Derek is now kissing.

When he parts from her a moment later, Derek tilts his head against her forehead to keep her close. "Just care about me, Katniss. It's not the end of the world — for either of us — if you do. We get to start over here. Let's start over on the assumption that the consequences of the mistakes we made back home stay there and don't carry over." He pulls back just enough to look at her. "Can we try that? Just...taking it slow and testing the water and not keeping one another at an arm's length?"

His stillness doesn't slip pass Katniss. For that moment, their dancing stops and everything about him grows very still and she wonders if maybe she's doing the wrong thing. That maybe, despite the kiss he had just given her, he doesn't want this. He doesn't want her. She wouldn't blame him. But he doesn't move away as she leans in closer. She doesn't want to lose him either. She doesn't know if she just wants to be friends or if she wants something more but despite her confusion, Katniss does realize she wants this. She wants to kiss him. She wants to kiss Derek because he's Derek and it feels nice and she can't think of anything better to do in the moment.

He kisses her back and she realizes that he hadn't frozen because he doesn't want her. She's not sure why he had grown still but it's clearly not because he doesn't want her mouth on his. The kiss deepens and she eagerly embraces it. There might be people watching but Katniss doesn't care. She's spent the last two years of her life being watched. This is something nice and unexpected and she doesn't want to stop.

Katniss sighs when he rests her forehead against her own, feeling unexpected contentment from the kiss. From still being this close. She wants to kiss and dance and stay close to him without having to speak. It wouldn't be all that fair to Derek though. She nods and blushes a little when she starts to talk. "I wouldn't have done that - have kissed you - if I didn't already care. I'm not... I'm not that kind of girl."

Unless she gets drugged, apparently. But she isn't right now. She's completely sober.

The patience Derek exhibits for Katniss isn't anything special; he likes to pretend he hasn't got the patience for this thing or the other, but Derek Hale has the patience of a saint. For Katniss, he takes no issue with displaying the virtue because she's the first person he's ever met who really and truly, one hundred percent understands how he feels and what he's been through. Her own circumstances don't match exactly, but of course they don't. The feelings, however, the guilt and shame and self-loathing? Those are all exactly the same. So Derek isn't willing to just walk away or turn his back because she's taken too long to make a decision. If he can't have her, then he can at least wait to let her decide whether they can be friends, because Derek has precious few of those here and even less at home.

Derek smiles a little at her response. "I didn't think you were; that's not really what I meant. I think we both know that you're fighting it and trying to tell yourself that it isn't there when we both know that there's something. That's what I meant. Stop fighting it. Just...feel what you feel and let the chips fall where they will."

One of his hands moves to hold the side of her face, a large palm cupping her cheek and his thumb brushing affectionately over her cheek as he pulls back to look at her. He hasn't put himself out there like this in a long time. Every single time he does it, she ends up being a psychopath or, in Braeden's case, her mercenary work — which he supposes some would consider psychopathic, anyway — became far more important than he could ever be. Inevitably, Derek will always be waiting for the same to happen with Katniss, but he can revel in the moments before it, can't he? He can pretend that right now is the way things will always be, right? Innocent and curious and afraid; not malicious or hateful. He can't imagine Katniss ever turning out like Kate and Jennifer, but then...he hadn't been able to imagine Kate or Jennifer turning out the way they had, either. So for now, he's just going to hope for the best; hope that Alpha Complex and the fourth time are charms. "Can we do that...? ...can you do that...?" He knows it's asking a lot, after all.

That patience might not be special to Derek but it is special to her. Very few people in her life have paid her such patience. Peeta - up until his hijacking - and Prim had accomplished it in a way that few else could. Somehow Derek seems to match that despite not knowing her nearly as well. He knows when to push and he knows when to hold back. A lot of that might have to do with the similarities in their experiences but she thinks a lot of it also just has to do with who he is. Whatever the reason, it's something Katniss has quickly grown grateful for.

He's right when he says that there's something there. It's the first time that she's let herself realize that much and it's scary. It was easier to ignore the feeling all together. Katniss also isn't the kind of person who easily lets someone in, or lets these kind of sparks develop. Caring is just too risky.

But when his hand cups her cheek, she nuzzles it gently. She never puts herself out there like this - mostly because the one opportunity Katniss really had to do so had been in the middle of a war. This is new. Very new. But she likes the feel of his hand on her cheek and, well, the feel of Derek period. She turns her head a little to press a small kiss on the lower part of his palm and then gives a slight nod. Quietly, "I can try."

Cause losing him isn't an option. Nor is hurting Derek any more than she already has.

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Daycycle 116 [ November 13 - November 26 ]

daycycle 116

[Nov 13 - Nov 26]

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