No, Steve hadn't pulled away. He hadn't even flinched, and that's partly (mainly?) what Tony holds onto. He hadn't screwed up by doing something that could be considered so intimate. Fixing his tie, tucking it back into his vest. It's not something Tony has done for anyone that isn't Rhodey, and there's a brief moment that Tony himself can't even comprehend his own actions. How had it all gotten to this?
Whatever the answer to that question is, Tony doesn't even try to find it. Not when Steve is speaking again, and he's... Is he seriously suggesting...
It's stupid, that it's that suggestion what makes Tony feel almost hopeful, in some sort of way. Which isn't what he wants (even if he does) because he doesn't want to get hurt. He doesn't want to open himself up for this, because there's such a big part of him that is still doubtful that Steve could possibly feel...this. Any of this. Tony remembers with frighteningly clarity how Howard had reacted the night that he had discovered that his only son was fooling around with someone of the same sex. He remembers the beating he had received - hell, he still has the markings to prove it - and in a lot of ways it has shaped how Tony has carried himself to the world in terms of his sexuality. He's not shy to admit when he finds someone attractive, whether it's a man or a woman, but he has never had a public relationship with any men before. He has slept with them, he has even dated them, but publicly? No. He had been the CEO of Stark Industries, after all. He had a reputation to keep in front of his father's military buddies, and his company had the biggest weapons contract that the United States Military could draw up; how could he have even considered going public with any of it?
And now he's here, all but flirting with America's Sweetheart, the man that essentially represented the military - the man that Howard himself never shut up about, and it feels like such a hopeless thing to do. His brain is screaming how this is a disaster, this can't possibly work out. How could it? And even if Steve feels what he does, should Tony even trust him? He's trying, he has been working on trusting him again, but apparently trusting him ended up meaning...something else. Something that is making his insides twist. Something that is making it hard to breathe, especially when he notices how Steve is looking at his lips, and--
And just like that, it's over. The smile that had been playing on Tony's lips, especially at Steve's suggestion about trying out the dance moves they had practiced, falters and it feels like he has lost his balance all at once. Because for some reason he had thought this would go differently. Because, seeing Steve not move away, had made him think that maybe something else would happen, but... But this had been what he had been expecting, right? This shouldn't be a surprise.
Still, even if he had been expecting it, it still feels like someone has just punched him right in the chest. It even makes him tempted to look down, as if to check if the reactor is still working because it feels like his heart isn't working right, but he doesn't. He's being a drama queen, he can hear Howard sneering in his ear. How could he have thought any of this would--
No, he reminds himself. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, even if when he tries to nod it feels like he's imploding. It doesn't matter, even if he can't quite hide the way his eyes lose a little bit of the sparkle that he had been floating on, but he pretends to smile. As if this is okay, as if it's not a big deal.
As if this doesn't matter, even if the way it stings says otherwise.
"Yeah," he says with that fake smile that he tries to play off as the real thing, and he tucks his hands into his pockets as he steps back. It's a silent gesture, as if to remind himself that this had been stupid. Reaching out for his tie had been stupid. Thinking that this could be different was entirely idiotic, and Tony hates himself for it all over again. His voice is still quiet, but now it's mainly to hide how his throat feels as if it has closed up on him. "Have fun with that."
Without another word, he turns around and walks back into the crowd. To find a distraction, or maybe more booze; all he knows is that he needs to stop thinking. He needs to make this stop before it drowns him completely, even if it already feels as if it's too late.
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Whatever the answer to that question is, Tony doesn't even try to find it. Not when Steve is speaking again, and he's... Is he seriously suggesting...
It's stupid, that it's that suggestion what makes Tony feel almost hopeful, in some sort of way. Which isn't what he wants (even if he does) because he doesn't want to get hurt. He doesn't want to open himself up for this, because there's such a big part of him that is still doubtful that Steve could possibly feel...this. Any of this. Tony remembers with frighteningly clarity how Howard had reacted the night that he had discovered that his only son was fooling around with someone of the same sex. He remembers the beating he had received - hell, he still has the markings to prove it - and in a lot of ways it has shaped how Tony has carried himself to the world in terms of his sexuality. He's not shy to admit when he finds someone attractive, whether it's a man or a woman, but he has never had a public relationship with any men before. He has slept with them, he has even dated them, but publicly? No. He had been the CEO of Stark Industries, after all. He had a reputation to keep in front of his father's military buddies, and his company had the biggest weapons contract that the United States Military could draw up; how could he have even considered going public with any of it?
And now he's here, all but flirting with America's Sweetheart, the man that essentially represented the military - the man that Howard himself never shut up about, and it feels like such a hopeless thing to do. His brain is screaming how this is a disaster, this can't possibly work out. How could it? And even if Steve feels what he does, should Tony even trust him? He's trying, he has been working on trusting him again, but apparently trusting him ended up meaning...something else. Something that is making his insides twist. Something that is making it hard to breathe, especially when he notices how Steve is looking at his lips, and--
And just like that, it's over. The smile that had been playing on Tony's lips, especially at Steve's suggestion about trying out the dance moves they had practiced, falters and it feels like he has lost his balance all at once. Because for some reason he had thought this would go differently. Because, seeing Steve not move away, had made him think that maybe something else would happen, but... But this had been what he had been expecting, right? This shouldn't be a surprise.
Still, even if he had been expecting it, it still feels like someone has just punched him right in the chest. It even makes him tempted to look down, as if to check if the reactor is still working because it feels like his heart isn't working right, but he doesn't. He's being a drama queen, he can hear Howard sneering in his ear. How could he have thought any of this would--
No, he reminds himself. It doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, even if when he tries to nod it feels like he's imploding. It doesn't matter, even if he can't quite hide the way his eyes lose a little bit of the sparkle that he had been floating on, but he pretends to smile. As if this is okay, as if it's not a big deal.
As if this doesn't matter, even if the way it stings says otherwise.
"Yeah," he says with that fake smile that he tries to play off as the real thing, and he tucks his hands into his pockets as he steps back. It's a silent gesture, as if to remind himself that this had been stupid. Reaching out for his tie had been stupid. Thinking that this could be different was entirely idiotic, and Tony hates himself for it all over again. His voice is still quiet, but now it's mainly to hide how his throat feels as if it has closed up on him. "Have fun with that."
Without another word, he turns around and walks back into the crowd. To find a distraction, or maybe more booze; all he knows is that he needs to stop thinking. He needs to make this stop before it drowns him completely, even if it already feels as if it's too late.