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alphalogs2017-03-26 03:21 pm
Daycycle 132 [Mar 26 - Apr 1]
daycycle 132
[Mar 26 - Apr 1]
[OOC Plotting for this Daycycle can be found here.]
Early, Early Morning [0000 - 0600]
At 0400, Clint Barton and Parker will be arrested and charged with treason. All former roommates will be questioned for several hours before being sedated and returned to their room before 0600. Former roommates in question will not remember the arrests or their questioning when they wake, though they may feel the lingering active effects of the sedative for several hours into their day.
The memory of those arrested ever being at Alpha will be erased with varying degrees of success from all those they came into contact with.
Morning [0800 - 0900] — All Troubleshooters Report for Duty
No Specials have been selected for today's mission.
Afternoon [0900 - 1600] — Service Firm Positions
All Troubleshooters not assigned a mission should report to their Service Firm for their daily duties, unless specifically assigned a different shift.
At 1000, it will be discovered that certain foods distributed among the Citizens have been contaminated with an unknown opiate, most likely by the Mystic Secret Society. Unfortunately, this discovery takes place after breakfast has already been served and effects all clearance levels and citizens, including Specials. Only some may have ingested the contaminated food, but the side effects that have been observed so far include, but are not limited to:
Euphoria
The inability to falsify information.
Drastic and almost impossible mood swings, from pure elation to devastating depression or anger in a matter of seconds.
Elation only
Moodiness only
Psychedelic symptoms, such as seeing colors or moving pictures
A nearly uncontrollable urge to keep moving
Lethargy
Random thinking/Inability to focus
Spontaneous giggling
And others.
An investigation has been opened to look into possible suspects to be held responsible, but until then it is advised that Citizens make an effort to avoid contaminated food, although it isn't possible to tell the difference between tampered stock and untampered stock.
Evening [1600 - 2200] — Citizen Improvement
All Alpha citizens are encouraged to better themselves through Alpha’s wide variety of educational, entertainment and cultural opportunities offered each evening. Attending these sanctioned events are not mandatory, but is highly encouraged by The Computer. Citizens choosing not to take advantage of these opportunities, have a growing number of other options available to them in how to spend their hard earned credits and free time.
Alpha Curfew Restrictions
All Alpha citizens should be in their quarters within the Wagon Wheel by 2200, unless they’ve been given permission from a GREEN or higher clearance level citizen. Sleeping Aid gas is dispelled each night in the Wagon Wheel at 2200 to assist citizens in getting a productive sleeping period.
Confession Booths
There are hundreds of confession booths available around Alpha Complex if a citizen would like to communicate directly with the computer. Please use these confession booths to report mission statuses, report treason or terrorist acts, unregistered mutants, confess your trespasses against Alpha Complex, request propaganda or speak with Your Friend, The Computer, at any time.
no subject
Would he, though? If he could shove and push Steve away, would he? The part of him that is so resentful of what happened screams yes, that he would. He should. He wants to. How dare he come in here and just hold him as if that's going to fix everything that happened? As if he didn't make him feel like shit again after all his promises, after everything that they have lived through since Tony foolishly let him back into his life again?
Despite that resentment and those thoughts, though, there's that other part of him. The one that is making this so much more painful than he's comfortable with. Because, even if it feels like another lifetime ago, it hasn't been that long since they were in Steve's apartment. It hasn't been that long since he cooked him dinner. Since he took care of him. Since he kissed him the way he did, since he held him how he did. The memory is seared into his brain, along with that rush of emotion that he had caused to flood through him in a way that he swore no one ever would again. He let him under his skin again, and--
I'm sorry. I never meant to hurt you.
It's the letter, he realizes, all over again. If he closes his eyes, he can almost find himself back at the compound, with that stupid
antiquatedburner phone on his desk, and that stupid letter next to it. It makes him almost cringe, but at least while he tenses, he doesn't pull away how he's so incredibly tempted to do. Because that side of him that is tired of getting hurt, the one that already swore once that this would never happen again, wants to set up that wall again. Shut him out. Leave him behind. It's enough.But, again, he just doesn't. And, god, he feels like such an idiot. He already had been feeling that way, even before Steve walked into his room tonight, but now he just feels even more exposed for everything he has said. It needed to be said, he knows this damn well because if this would have been the end, he wanted Steve to know that it hadn't been just because Tony Stark is a drama queen, but because he pushed him here, but.
But.
Come home?
This is the first time that Steve's apartment has been called that out loud, but he'd be lying if he were to say that he hadn't already started seeing it as such for days now. Living together hadn't been planned, it had just happened so organically that Tony didn't have a chance to freak out about finding himself living with Steve, but it had just felt right. That apartment had become home. It is home, and it's what makes his breath almost catch as he looks away, because there's a knot in his throat that feels as if it's choking him suddenly.
"Yeah, it's unfair of you to ask." His voice remains quiet, keeping his eyes away from Steve. Now that he has said all he needed to say, it's almost as if the fight has been snuffed out of him. If Steve would have said he was wrong, if he would have pushed back on what he said at all, Tony would have just kicked him out altogether at this point. He would have been done. But...Steve's answer is something that he actually couldn't have expected, not by how determined Steve had seemed that he had been right in what he had done, and his brain can't quite catch up with knowing what he should be doing right now.
Maybe that's why, ultimately, he starts speaking. "I hate feeling like I'm your enemy. Or like you're mine. I hate...the doubt I feel when you do that. And I know what I'm going to say is probably not going to help matters because, even if I know it's not unwarranted, I cannot stand how you looked at me when you were trying to figure out if it was me or not. But...you need to know this. Especially if I do go back...to your place." It feels like he's running out of air again, and he swallows.
"I can't remember anything about yesterday after work. I remember finishing my shift. Then I tried to take a walk around, trying to see if something would help me remember anything, and instead I just... Suddenly it was today, and I was leaving work. I was fine. I'm fine, physically, except for a headache." A beat. "So...if you need to do your thing, if you need to have that separation so you're not compromised, then go do it. But I'm not going anywhere with you if that's the mode you're going to be in. I'm not going to stop you from being on work mode. But I don't want to be there for it. Not when I'm part of the assignment and I already feel the way I do right now."
no subject
Then one day, the apartment felt like home. It felt like their home, in a way that was so beautiful that it was baffling. So when Tony repeats that it's unfair, all Steve can do is whisper a soft "I know" once more into his ear. But he doesn't take the question back. Maybe love is making him selfish, when it should be pushing him to be even more of the opposite, but Steve doesn't tell Tony that if he prefers to stay here tonight, it's alright. Because he wants Tony to come home.
He listens though, when Tony starts telling him about the doubt and Steve wishes he could tell Tony that he'll never feel like they're enemies ever again. But he can't predict the future, just like he couldn't have foreseen what happened at the hospital, and while Steve now understands now why Tony was so hurt, he still can't see a different path than the one he took. Given the information he had, Steve doesn't know how he could've made a different call.
But they also say love changes you.
Having gone through what he did with Bucky and Tony and Siberia, and now this, Steve isn't the same man as the one who hijacked a quinjet months ago. That man would simply hope that next time, the circumstances don't force his hand, and if they do, he'll accept the consequences. Because him losing Tony is better than Tony losing himself.
But now, having seen so many twists and turns of what can be both wrong and right, Steve can't help but think there must be another way. The feeling isn't so foreign, after all. For his entire life, there have always been moral boundaries that Steve has refused to cross, because he's never believed that in the pursuit of good, one should be willing to commit acts of evil. He's always believed there's another way. Was this really so different? Shouldn't he ... try to find another way?
I can't remember anything about yesterday after work.
Wait, what?
Steve pulls back for the first time since the hug began, so he can really look at Tony as he hears this. Tony remembers finishing his shift, but ... all of last night is a blank. Last night, when Steve just assumed that Tony was mad, that he wanted time away, that he didn't want to see him — when in fact, he'd been ... well, Steve doesn't know. Because he didn't come check when he'd thought to. The concern in Steve's eyes is only somewhat alleviated when Tony says that he's okay and that all he has is a headache, but the guilt has already started to plant itself in Steve's chest. But before he can grow too much of it, Tony's talking again, now about work mode and Steve doesn't even know where to begin. He thought he'd explained this already, and this time, he feels like maybe Tony is trying to push him away on purpose.
But Steve's tired too. He doesn't want to fight and he hopes he's right when he guesses that Tony's intention isn't to pick one, because it isn't lost on Steve that despite everything, Tony still hasn't said no.
"I won't need to anymore." He doesn't offer an explanation unless Tony looks at him like he needs one. If he does, Steve will repeat what he said earlier. That once Natasha admitted to ignoring the signs, things changed. He doesn't expect Tony to transform into a master assassination at a moment's notice. He's still dangerous, yes, but Steve doesn't have to guard him with every fiber of his being.
After that, if Tony doesn't say anything else — if he doesn't name any more conditions — then Steve only lets a natural pause go by before the hand that slipped down to Tony's earlier gives a little squeeze. And then a small, gentle tug. An invitation to start moving, and to start making their way back home.
no subject
It's why, now, he's still giving him an out. It's why he's telling him that he can go be whatever the hell he needs to be as long as it's away from him.
It's why, even as Steve says that he doesn't need to anymore, when he looks up it's not to ask for an explanation. His eyes don't reflect curiosity or confusion at his words; instead, along with that guarded expression that is still reflecting in his eyes, he can only watch him as if trying to figure out if he's telling the truth or not.
He's still waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It's not a matter of picking fights right now - Tony's too tired for that, actually. It shows in that he's not even pulling away from the way that he's holding his hand, even if minutes ago he would have yanked that same hand back as if Steve was hurting him. The fact is, that Tony really has carved himself open for Steve. Twice now. Once as a friend, and now as something more, and doing so has made him expose himself more than he has ever felt comfortable with. For someone as guarded as he is, someone as weary to trust people as he is, it's hard to just take Steve's words now at face value and accept them like it's not a big deal. It was a big deal, he can still feel that hollow feeling in his chest that has nothing to do with the arc reactor, and it's in this moment that it's almost as if he's balancing out if he's willing to give him a third shot.
Ultimately, when he feels that squeeze, Tony's eyes finally move from Steve's down to their hands. Earlier Steve had asked him if he hated him, and Tony's response still rings true right now - if he hated him, this would be so much easier. If he hated him at all, he would be able to say no to this invitation. He would tell him it's too late. That he should go. That he's done, that they're done.
The problem is, he doesn't hate him. He's angry, yes, but hate? No, he doesn't hate Steve. Even now, after everything, he doesn't hate him. The bitter side of him hates himself for it sometimes, but apparently in the process of carving himself open for Steve, he had managed to get under his skin. He had managed to make him feel something that he swore he would never want to feel again, and... God, he wishes he could hate him for that. Because he doesn't want to fall in love with him, but apparently that's where he's at, because when Steve tugs at his hand, Tony moves but not towards the door. Not yet. Instead, he presses his forehead against Steve's shoulder, but not to fight him. He just wants one moment, one second where he doesn't have to think. One moment that should have happened 48 hours ago, but that he needs even if the fire of the anger that began that same night is still trying to die down inside of him.
For a moment, though, he just needs this. He feels weak for it, and maybe he'll regret it later, but he just stays quiet as the defensive stance on his shoulders finally relaxes a little as Steve's body heat finally feels as if it's momentarily erasing how cold he has been feeling for days now.
no subject
48 hours ago, if it had just been the two of them, maybe it would have been like this.
But Steve's re-lived the past enough times for one day. Right now, all he wants is to focus on the present and on the fact that he can feel Tony's forehead pressed against him, and that Tony feels comfortable enough to be there. In his mind, Steve is making himself a few promises he never wants to forget.
First, that they'll catch him — whoever it is that's controlling Tony.
Second, that no matter how difficult it will be, he'll try everything in his power to make sure Tony never feels alone when he needs him again.
And third, because it should be last, Steve promises that if he fails — if he hurts Tony one more time — if Tony doesn't end things, then he will. Ultimately, in Steve's mind, being in love isn't only about being together. It's about making sure that the person you love is happy and fulfilled. Despite his best intentions, all he seems to do is bring Tony pain. So if he can't find a way to fix it, then ... Tony deserves to be with someone better. Someone who can make him happy. That's all Steve wants for him, in the end.
After five seconds, Steve squeezes Tony's hand once more, this time as a small sign that he's about to let go. His fingers slip up to Tony's jawline, and Steve brushes his thumb against it, grateful that he still gets to do so. But Steve can tell that Tony just wants to feel safe and shielded, just for a little while, which is why his fingers gently guide Tony to turn a little, so that he can rest his cheek on his chest as Steve wraps Tony's body up in his arms, encompassing him entirely. It's snug but not tight. And as always, at this proximity, Steve is always so warm. A moment later, he presses his lips to Tony's forehead.
I'm here, he can't help thinking, or projecting into the way he moves. I'm so sorry I was late. I'm here now.
no subject
He already knows, though. He already knows that, just because Steve helps him feel this way, it won't make a difference next time (if there is a next time) because just doing this now is hard enough. The first time they had fought like this, it had left Tony gutted. Now, with as much as they have on the line, it still feels as if he's hollowed out, and he already knows that they won't survive a third time. He won't survive it, and letting him go will no longer be something he contemplates.
But here, now, he doesn't want to think about that. Although some part of him is still cautious and even doubtful about it, Tony wants to believe that there won't be a third time. He actually wants to believe that they'll be okay, that maybe they've had these bumps as a lesson more than anything else.
And...yeah, he feels like an idiot for thinking that, but maybe it's the bump to the head that Natasha gave him. Maybe it's the headache.
Maybe it's just the fact that Steve has come to mean more to him than he could have prepared for.
When he feels Steve's fingers along his jawline, and then the way he prompts him to settle against his chest, Tony is almost ready to tell him no, that it's okay. They don't have to do this, they can just leave, but then his arms are wrapped around him again and this time Tony doesn't fight that hold. He lets him hold him, and he allows himself the opportunity to stay pressed against his chest. At first he doesn't move, he just stays almost entirely too still, but after a moment he moves his hand to grasp onto the back of Steve's jumpsuit. As if to not move from here. As if to hold onto him as a sort of stability or grounding factor, because he needs it. Now, more than ever, he needs it even if he doesn't like it, and even if he would never even dream to verbally ask for it.
They can't stay like this, though. As comfortable as he may be, he knows they should get moving, at least so that he won't end up falling asleep on Steve while standing.
"So," he finally says, his voice still quiet, and now that the heat of his anger has lessened, it gives way to making it obvious how tired he really is. "Should we go home, then?"
That's his version of an olive branch. His white flag to say that he doesn't want to fight anymore.
no subject
Tony says that first word and Steve tilts his head closer. Then he hears the full question and slowly, as he realizes that Tony's said it too — home — Steve's lips curl softly upwards as he nods. "Yeah," he says, just as quietly. "Let's go home." Tony seems so tired though. Steve can feel it in the way he leans against him and hear it in the sound of his voice. So after a second of contemplating it first, he asks softly, "How about I carry you?" One of his arms shifts a little higher up so his hand can rest against the back of Tony's head, his fingers brushing against his hair. "It'll be curfew soon."
Starting from ORANGE means no one will be in the hall after 2200, and it's rare that they ever run into anyone on GREEN. Not that privacy is something they'd really have, at least as long as the Computer's watching. But it's already no secret to the cameras that Tony comes to Steve's apartment nearly every night and leaves in the mornings, and this won't draw any more of her attention. Plus, carrying him up lets Steve hold Tony for a little longer. Even if he knows now that he'll get to hold Tony all night tonight, it doesn't feel long enough.
no subject
Despite that, though, he doesn't want to stay in his room. Even if he doesn't have a roommate, this isn't home, and ever since Steve called it that, his heart has been aching for it even if he had been trying to ignore it earlier.
At Steve's question, his lips quirk slightly. This is the closest that he has come to smiling since he had kissed Steve goodbye the morning that he shot Natasha, and he's about to answer but...damn, those fingers in his hair makes him almost melt. This is definitely cheating.
"As tempting as that is, I... Thanks, but it's okay. I can make it." His hand let's go of Steve's jumpsuit only so he can move his arm down to his waist. As if to say that, even if he won't let him carry him, he won't let him go and they can go home with an arm around each other if it's okay with him. He just doesn't peel himself away from Steve just yet.
no subject
"Well. If you change your mind ..." he says, in that same quiet voice he's been using for the past few minutes, "... I'll be here." A promise he should have made a long time ago, paired with a kiss at the top of Tony's head, and the feeling of Steve's fingers still gently brushing through Tony's hair.
Eventually, they do move from that spot in Tony's room and make their way to the door, up the elevators, and to that familiar GREEN hallway. Steve never lets go of Tony the entire time — whether it's because they end up holding hands or putting their arms around each other. And not long after, once they've washed up a little (because Steve still insists, no matter how tired Tony is), they finally find themselves curled up together in bed, with only the familiar sound of each other's breathing to accompany the quiet hum of the apartment.
It isn't until this moment that Steve remembers that he saw Bucky for the first time earlier that night. But before he says something, he thinks better of it. Tony's been through enough. That news can wait until the morning.
So instead, he pulls Tony a bit closer, as he breathes in the clean smell of the cotton shirts they've started wearing to bed together, and plants a gentle, chaste kiss onto the back of Tony's neck. He's missed him more than he could've imagined, even if Steve couldn't even admit it to himself until now. And god, it feels like he's been holding his breath for two days and two nights, because here, back home, with Tony, it feels like the weight that's been pressing down into his chest finally starts to ease up.
no subject
Although, really, the walk to the elevator feels eternal. There's a moment where he can feel that point of exhaustion where he's starting to feel borderline nauseous, but washing up is a good idea no matter how much he wants to sleep for the next three days. It makes him feel at least a little bit more human, and by the time he changes into the cotton shirts, he's finally feeling a little more comfortable in his own skin.
It won't last long, though, and he already knows that even now. In the morning, when he can think a little clearer, he won't be worrying about his fight with Steve. He won't be distracted by the bitterness and anger that kept nagging at him after leaving Medical Services. He'll be able to fully focus on what has been happening - he'll remember the pool of Natasha's blood he woke up in 48 hours ago, he'll remember the fact that he's losing his damn mind, and--
The feeling of Steve's lips against the back of his neck, and the way he pulls him closer, help to quiet down those thoughts and he presses himself closer against him. He knows this peace and quiet won't last long for him, and he knows he doesn't deserve it, but for now he's selfish and tired enough to want to get lost in how comfortable he's feeling by how Steve is holding him. It makes him take a slow deep breath as he takes in his scent, this feeling of being home, and he manages to fall asleep almost as soon as he finally closes his eyes.