The thought of being afraid of Steve room being bugged almost made Morgana laugh. She would rather face charges of treason a hundred times than be confronted with the reality of her dreams coming back to her, haunting her like a ghost of all the people she hadn't been able to save.
The computer was just like Uther, and like Uther, she had found ways to be herself in spite of it's presence.
'I think? Sort of... I mean you could ask Barry I guess, I could wake the dead with my screams when I do have my dreams, I doubt the sleeping gas can compete with that.' if only it were so simple as just dreams. She doubted even the computer would care about those. She shook her head, hands still fidgetting in her lap as she turned to look at Steve, determined to spit it out and not stutter like a frightened child.
Just because she had barely been able to tell anyone at home didn't mean it had to be this way here, right? Right?!
'You remember those assignments we got on 102? To look after those "mutants" that were found out?' she asked, then hurried along, not giving him time to answer. 'I had this woman, a shapeshifter, she was a bit of a cow but I didn't think much of it at the time. But ever since that assignment I've felt, well, like I did at home. Not fully, but... it's like when you're not paying attention and someone brushes past you in the hall, you feel it but it's not like fully running into them. Like standing a little close to the fire, or. I don't know.' she swallowed, her nails digging into her palms as she tried to steady herself. 'A small touch, but not like being slapped.'
God, it would have been easier to tell him just about anything else, and not even because she was afraid of Steve, of all the people in here she had met he was one of the few she trusted without question, she wasn't even sure that torture would cause him to turn her in. No, it wasn't that.
It was the way people looked at her when they learned of her "affliction".
Gaius had watched her all her life like she was some ailing babe and madwoman all in one.
Merlin wouldn't even say the word "magic" to her even when she asked him.
Arthur handled her like she was a sick, delicate flower who didn't know the sky from the sea.
Even Gwen, dear, sweet, Guinevere. She looked at Morgana sometimes and Morgana had been able to see the pity, the sorrow, the disappointment that her mistress clearly wasn't "all there" in her mind.
Just thinking about their reactions and how Steve might look at her caused tears to well in her eyes, making them look glassy and wide as she tried not to blink, not to actually cry.
'I don't know how but I think my magic is coming back and if it is, even if only a little then I'm dangerous because I never got taught how to control it, what with Uther having executed everyone who could have possibly taught me. There was this woman... back home. Morgause. She was like me and I think she would have taught me but then I went and woke up here and as much as I distrust this place I have never been safer from myself or anyone else, I've never slept so well and now... What if what happened at home happens here? I could hurt my roommate or someone else. I could hurt you. I set my room on fire in Camelot one night, I had a horrible vision, and I guess it frightened me but I was alone and my room was on fire, I had to have done it. What if I hurt him, or someone else without even being awake?!'
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The computer was just like Uther, and like Uther, she had found ways to be herself in spite of it's presence.
'I think? Sort of... I mean you could ask Barry I guess, I could wake the dead with my screams when I do have my dreams, I doubt the sleeping gas can compete with that.' if only it were so simple as just dreams. She doubted even the computer would care about those. She shook her head, hands still fidgetting in her lap as she turned to look at Steve, determined to spit it out and not stutter like a frightened child.
Just because she had barely been able to tell anyone at home didn't mean it had to be this way here, right? Right?!
'You remember those assignments we got on 102? To look after those "mutants" that were found out?' she asked, then hurried along, not giving him time to answer. 'I had this woman, a shapeshifter, she was a bit of a cow but I didn't think much of it at the time. But ever since that assignment I've felt, well, like I did at home. Not fully, but... it's like when you're not paying attention and someone brushes past you in the hall, you feel it but it's not like fully running into them. Like standing a little close to the fire, or. I don't know.' she swallowed, her nails digging into her palms as she tried to steady herself. 'A small touch, but not like being slapped.'
God, it would have been easier to tell him just about anything else, and not even because she was afraid of Steve, of all the people in here she had met he was one of the few she trusted without question, she wasn't even sure that torture would cause him to turn her in. No, it wasn't that.
It was the way people looked at her when they learned of her "affliction".
Gaius had watched her all her life like she was some ailing babe and madwoman all in one.
Merlin wouldn't even say the word "magic" to her even when she asked him.
Arthur handled her like she was a sick, delicate flower who didn't know the sky from the sea.
Even Gwen, dear, sweet, Guinevere. She looked at Morgana sometimes and Morgana had been able to see the pity, the sorrow, the disappointment that her mistress clearly wasn't "all there" in her mind.
Just thinking about their reactions and how Steve might look at her caused tears to well in her eyes, making them look glassy and wide as she tried not to blink, not to actually cry.
'I don't know how but I think my magic is coming back and if it is, even if only a little then I'm dangerous because I never got taught how to control it, what with Uther having executed everyone who could have possibly taught me. There was this woman... back home. Morgause. She was like me and I think she would have taught me but then I went and woke up here and as much as I distrust this place I have never been safer from myself or anyone else, I've never slept so well and now... What if what happened at home happens here? I could hurt my roommate or someone else. I could hurt you. I set my room on fire in Camelot one night, I had a horrible vision, and I guess it frightened me but I was alone and my room was on fire, I had to have done it. What if I hurt him, or someone else without even being awake?!'