After issuing his very first command in the walls of their bedroom, somewhere mixed into Steve's own insecurities about not being good enough for Tony at physical intimacy, is a confusing yet captivating feeling. It isn't easy for Steve to admit to himself either, that as soon as he tries it, there's something about taking control that he likes, in a flavor he's never felt before. It makes him want Tony more, if that's even possible, and he can feel his own body reacting and his chest tightening when Tony looks at him in that way — with a look that seems to say, I'm yours, for you to do whatever you want.
Back home, and out there in the world, control isn't something that Steve needs. Sure, he helps lead the team and he refuses to budge on his own beliefs, but the driving force behind those decisions is always about fighting for what he believes in, and not imposing his will onto others. He's never thought of himself as the best, or the most qualified to take charge on the battlefield, and on any day, Steve would be ready to follow someone else into the war, as long as it's someone he respects. Someone he doesn't think will compromise on the things that truly matter. Someone like Tony.
Which is why, how he's feeling now about Tony surprises him in ways he couldn't have imagined. Because Steve doesn't have control issues, at least, none that he's consciously aware of. His mother was loving, and his father died before he was born. He lived in a world where young men were volunteering in droves to fight for a cause overseas and he was first in line. All he ever wanted was to do right by people. And yet, here he is. Telling Tony what to do and liking it in some borderline guilt-inducing way. Maybe he'll be able to explain it another day.
When he feels Tony's hands in his hair though, Steve doesn't mind it. He knows that those two commands he's given this morning are probably all that he has in him today, and what he wants now is to feel the rest of Tony close by. Because no matter how fast Steve learns, he's still painfully aware of how new this is to him, and how in his mind, that means he must be so much worse than the people Tony's been with before — so every brush Tony's finger, every bit of encouragement or positive feedback that Tony gives, all of it helps push that feeling down.
At some point, his hands move up to Tony's hips, partially to feel him and partially to get a better grip, and Steve glances upwards long enough to see the effect he's having on his boyfriend. In that moment, he realizes again how much he already loves this man, and how much he desperately wishes he could make Tony feel this happy and blissful all the time.
Just like last night, there are times in which Steve isn't as gentle as he intends to be, because he can feel the way that Tony's getting closer and how he himself is feeling more and more revved up because of it. But as Steve guides Tony to the end, to when he finally loses control of his own body, Steve can't help but hold onto him a little harder. He can't talk, so it's as if through his hands, he's trying to tell Tony that he's here, and that even when Tony feels his most vulnerable, he'll always, always be here for him.
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Back home, and out there in the world, control isn't something that Steve needs. Sure, he helps lead the team and he refuses to budge on his own beliefs, but the driving force behind those decisions is always about fighting for what he believes in, and not imposing his will onto others. He's never thought of himself as the best, or the most qualified to take charge on the battlefield, and on any day, Steve would be ready to follow someone else into the war, as long as it's someone he respects. Someone he doesn't think will compromise on the things that truly matter. Someone like Tony.
Which is why, how he's feeling now about Tony surprises him in ways he couldn't have imagined. Because Steve doesn't have control issues, at least, none that he's consciously aware of. His mother was loving, and his father died before he was born. He lived in a world where young men were volunteering in droves to fight for a cause overseas and he was first in line. All he ever wanted was to do right by people. And yet, here he is. Telling Tony what to do and liking it in some borderline guilt-inducing way. Maybe he'll be able to explain it another day.
When he feels Tony's hands in his hair though, Steve doesn't mind it. He knows that those two commands he's given this morning are probably all that he has in him today, and what he wants now is to feel the rest of Tony close by. Because no matter how fast Steve learns, he's still painfully aware of how new this is to him, and how in his mind, that means he must be so much worse than the people Tony's been with before — so every brush Tony's finger, every bit of encouragement or positive feedback that Tony gives, all of it helps push that feeling down.
At some point, his hands move up to Tony's hips, partially to feel him and partially to get a better grip, and Steve glances upwards long enough to see the effect he's having on his boyfriend. In that moment, he realizes again how much he already loves this man, and how much he desperately wishes he could make Tony feel this happy and blissful all the time.
Just like last night, there are times in which Steve isn't as gentle as he intends to be, because he can feel the way that Tony's getting closer and how he himself is feeling more and more revved up because of it. But as Steve guides Tony to the end, to when he finally loses control of his own body, Steve can't help but hold onto him a little harder. He can't talk, so it's as if through his hands, he's trying to tell Tony that he's here, and that even when Tony feels his most vulnerable, he'll always, always be here for him.